Can't sleep.
But that was to be expected.
It's nearly 2am. So I give you fair warning that this post may & probably will contain a few grammatical errors. And it could very possibly not make one bit of cents.
Okay. I did that one on purpose. Not that tired.
Or am eye?
Wow. Sorry. Back to my deepest darkest feelings about getting married in 2.5 days.
Things are c r a z y round here. I am doing something related to my wedding every minute of the day. Really I am. And it took a while, but I've spurred myself into this cycle of productivity...where I finish one thing, and it makes me really want to finish something else, which makes me really, really want to finish something else...you get the idea. It works and its all lovely. Except for every 3 hours or so, my stress levels spike and I decide we should elope.
Then I drink a Diet Coke and get back to work.
I did take a break from wedding work though tonight, to have one last phone date with Walker! I'm sure it won't be the very last one we will ever have...but for now, we can officially say we are .d.o.n.e. with long-distance love! No more travel size shampoo bottles. No more living out of suitcases every other weekend. No more making mix CD's to listen to on the 5.5 hour drive. And no more phone dates! Its kind of bittersweet...because our whole relationship began with one sweet phone date. But speak for the both of us when I say that our hearts are way more responsive to some face-to-face chatting. It will be such a joy to spend time together at the end of our days--in the flesh!
Tonight Walker and I were discussing that even though things are so hectic right now, we both feel such a peace about things. The kind we can't fully put into words. The kind that passes all understanding. The kind that doesn't make sense apart from its Giver. Experiencing God's perfect peace during the midst of this chaos and craziness is a big big blessing, because it has been my prayer that I would see only Christ & His goodness during the final days of this journey. And one thing I've learned, is that His Peace comes in His presence. God is here inside this stressful week with me, and He is so active. To feel him working through the gift of perfect peace is just what I need to keep me pressing on.
During these days when I am trying to recognize everything, I welcome this peace that is unrecognizable and out of place. A peace that is passing my understanding.
Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. --Philippians 4:7 [The Message]
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Devil's.in.the.Details.
Less than 1 week.
I am feeling excited & anxious & stressed & relaxed & happy & nervous all at the same time.
What is wrong with me?
I would try to figure that out, but I don't have time. Too busy with all these last minute details! Thats my big issue as I head into my final week as Allison Duke. The details. All those [little things] that I once vowed to fall head-over-heels in love with, all those [personal touches] that I just had to include....are now the things taking up most all my time & energy.
As my Grandma says, "the Devil's in the details!" And she is right! I can feel my heart growing stressed and sometimes discouraged with all these little things I must finish, even in the midst of such an exciting and eventful time! So my prayer as this week begins is that I would be granted a peace of mind that only Christ can give. Not only that, but an attitude of humility & grace as I work closely with so many wonderful people to make my big day go as planned.
I pray for patience, and strength, and energy. But perhaps above all these things, I pray that I may see only Christ through all of this. I pray that the Devil who has been hanging out in all my details, would vanish. And in his place, may I see the provision and the great love of Christ.
Thank you to all who are praying/have been praying along with me. I feel encouraged, and energized to take on the week! Most of Walker's family has already come into town from Missouri! And my family should start arriving around Tuesday. I am looking forward to all the last minute excitement, and I can't wait to see my friends & family who have come from near & far. Bring on the next 6 days! Even the details! I can't wait!
I am feeling excited & anxious & stressed & relaxed & happy & nervous all at the same time.
What is wrong with me?
I would try to figure that out, but I don't have time. Too busy with all these last minute details! Thats my big issue as I head into my final week as Allison Duke. The details. All those [little things] that I once vowed to fall head-over-heels in love with, all those [personal touches] that I just had to include....are now the things taking up most all my time & energy.
As my Grandma says, "the Devil's in the details!" And she is right! I can feel my heart growing stressed and sometimes discouraged with all these little things I must finish, even in the midst of such an exciting and eventful time! So my prayer as this week begins is that I would be granted a peace of mind that only Christ can give. Not only that, but an attitude of humility & grace as I work closely with so many wonderful people to make my big day go as planned.
I pray for patience, and strength, and energy. But perhaps above all these things, I pray that I may see only Christ through all of this. I pray that the Devil who has been hanging out in all my details, would vanish. And in his place, may I see the provision and the great love of Christ.
Thank you to all who are praying/have been praying along with me. I feel encouraged, and energized to take on the week! Most of Walker's family has already come into town from Missouri! And my family should start arriving around Tuesday. I am looking forward to all the last minute excitement, and I can't wait to see my friends & family who have come from near & far. Bring on the next 6 days! Even the details! I can't wait!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Enough.
How I have looked forward to this night! Time to relax & let my heart breathe a little. My mind and my heart have been pretty cluttered places lately, and I am welcoming with open arms the chance to just sit in the quiet and sort a few things out.
Of all the thoughts flying through my head these days, there are a few I can't seem to shake.
I wonder if I will love Walker enough?
Which becomes...will he love me enough?
And, the way we feel right now--will it always be this way?
No. But then again, yes? I have come to realize that I simply can't love Walker enough. And he can't love me enough. And we probably won't always feel this way. This way...is the way of dating to "I do" in 2 years. This way is already rampant with me making mistakes. And him making mistakes. And us making mistakes. This way is filled with stumbles & falls.
However.
This way is also filled with apologies and forgiveness and humility. It pours out grace and mercy. We cannot love each other enough. There will always be a way we can love more. A way we can serve more. But God, who has given us the blessing of this relationship, and fashioned both of our hearts, He loves us exactly enough.
Throughout the Bible, God uses His relationship with the church as a model for marriage. And what a mighty, perfect love He shows us. What kind of compassion and selflessness and humility and strength does this love require? How can Walker & I ever even come close to the way our Savior loves us?
Thankfully, I am reminded that embracing this model does not mean that we will get it right. Embracing this model means we will do so by faith & in prayer. That our God will be quick to reach down and help us as we stumble through the days of our new life together.
Embracing this model means that we will rely on grace & humility & forgiveness. Again. And again. And again.
How can I reflect the love of Jesus to my husband? And how can we as a couple reflect His love to our community and our world? I don't really know yet. But I know that God knows. And only by seeking His will for our marriage and our lives, can we ever hope to love enough.
To be enough.
Of all the thoughts flying through my head these days, there are a few I can't seem to shake.
I wonder if I will love Walker enough?
Which becomes...will he love me enough?
And, the way we feel right now--will it always be this way?
No. But then again, yes? I have come to realize that I simply can't love Walker enough. And he can't love me enough. And we probably won't always feel this way. This way...is the way of dating to "I do" in 2 years. This way is already rampant with me making mistakes. And him making mistakes. And us making mistakes. This way is filled with stumbles & falls.
However.
This way is also filled with apologies and forgiveness and humility. It pours out grace and mercy. We cannot love each other enough. There will always be a way we can love more. A way we can serve more. But God, who has given us the blessing of this relationship, and fashioned both of our hearts, He loves us exactly enough.
Throughout the Bible, God uses His relationship with the church as a model for marriage. And what a mighty, perfect love He shows us. What kind of compassion and selflessness and humility and strength does this love require? How can Walker & I ever even come close to the way our Savior loves us?
Thankfully, I am reminded that embracing this model does not mean that we will get it right. Embracing this model means we will do so by faith & in prayer. That our God will be quick to reach down and help us as we stumble through the days of our new life together.
Embracing this model means that we will rely on grace & humility & forgiveness. Again. And again. And again.
How can I reflect the love of Jesus to my husband? And how can we as a couple reflect His love to our community and our world? I don't really know yet. But I know that God knows. And only by seeking His will for our marriage and our lives, can we ever hope to love enough.
To be enough.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Seventeen.Days.
Two weeks since my last post. Yikes...sorry! Here's whats up with just 17 days to go before our wedding!:::
Things are incredibly busy around here, and I would love to tell you that I'm coping wonderfully with all the last minute details, but sadly I am a bit of a mess. Its kind of an hour to hour thing. One minute I have myself together, the next I have to check and make sure my head is still attatched to my neck.
Lets start with a few not-so-fun updates first. 1) We have some serious program problems. I'll spare the details, but just know that its really frustrating and its possible that on June 25th, if you're a guest at our wedding, you may just get a program written down on a napkin. [Just kidding! But seriously.] 2) I got super sunburned today by accident. Like, Red Lobster sunburned. And now I'm scared that I'm going to be peeling on my wedding day. TMI? Possibly. Moving on. 3) I miss Walker. This is probably the hardest part of all of this. Quality Time is Love Language #1 for both of us. And March was the last time we had some real quality time together. Time to just be alone and watch King of Queens and make dinner. Time to talk about life outside of this wedding. Time to be in the quiet company of eachother and give our relationship the prayer, attention, and TLC it needs. And that has been super hard on both of us. I can't tell you how much we look foward to our wedding day, but almost more so, how much we look forward to just being around eachother again.
Now for some exciting updates: 1) We have moved all our stuff into the new place! And we absolutely adore it! We will move in right after the honeymoon and cannot wait! I'll get some pictures up eventually too. :) 2) I had my bridal portraits done and I absolutely adore those too! I won't give too much away but I can tell you that my session involved grass stains [had to get my dress cleaned to the tune of $130....yuck!], lots of YELLOW, and a few spiders. I am very happy with the results and it was so fun to hang out in my wedding dress for longer than 10 minutes! 3) My Bachelorette Party is this weekend! Looking forward to seeing all my girlfriends & relaxing in the sun!
While this has become a season of stress in my life, I am feeling beyond grateful for the support of my family & friends, and I feel myself continuing to grow even in these last few weeks of my engagement journey. I will hopefully have time to blog more tomorrow about some things I've been learning & reflecting on. But for now...back to trying to solve our obnoxious program problem!
Things are incredibly busy around here, and I would love to tell you that I'm coping wonderfully with all the last minute details, but sadly I am a bit of a mess. Its kind of an hour to hour thing. One minute I have myself together, the next I have to check and make sure my head is still attatched to my neck.
Lets start with a few not-so-fun updates first. 1) We have some serious program problems. I'll spare the details, but just know that its really frustrating and its possible that on June 25th, if you're a guest at our wedding, you may just get a program written down on a napkin. [Just kidding! But seriously.] 2) I got super sunburned today by accident. Like, Red Lobster sunburned. And now I'm scared that I'm going to be peeling on my wedding day. TMI? Possibly. Moving on. 3) I miss Walker. This is probably the hardest part of all of this. Quality Time is Love Language #1 for both of us. And March was the last time we had some real quality time together. Time to just be alone and watch King of Queens and make dinner. Time to talk about life outside of this wedding. Time to be in the quiet company of eachother and give our relationship the prayer, attention, and TLC it needs. And that has been super hard on both of us. I can't tell you how much we look foward to our wedding day, but almost more so, how much we look forward to just being around eachother again.
Now for some exciting updates: 1) We have moved all our stuff into the new place! And we absolutely adore it! We will move in right after the honeymoon and cannot wait! I'll get some pictures up eventually too. :) 2) I had my bridal portraits done and I absolutely adore those too! I won't give too much away but I can tell you that my session involved grass stains [had to get my dress cleaned to the tune of $130....yuck!], lots of YELLOW, and a few spiders. I am very happy with the results and it was so fun to hang out in my wedding dress for longer than 10 minutes! 3) My Bachelorette Party is this weekend! Looking forward to seeing all my girlfriends & relaxing in the sun!
While this has become a season of stress in my life, I am feeling beyond grateful for the support of my family & friends, and I feel myself continuing to grow even in these last few weeks of my engagement journey. I will hopefully have time to blog more tomorrow about some things I've been learning & reflecting on. But for now...back to trying to solve our obnoxious program problem!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
One.Month.
Bridal confession: When I was little 17, I loved the short-lived Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen TV show "So Little Time." Naturally, my love for the show has since waned...but I still have a special place in my heart for it's theme song, So Little Time by Arkana.
With one.month. left to go before our Big Day...the phrase "so little time, so much to do" fits life to a :::T::: around here. I spent lots of time today frantically making a list of all the things I had told myself didn't need to be addressed until a month before the wedding...and even more time mulling over the lengthy list trying to figure out how + where to begin.
The stress & anxiousness that I have tried so hard to keep at bay have reached an all time high...but at the same time, so has all of my excitement & joy. It really is a very odd place to be. On one hand, I am itching for the day to come and go already so we can all return to life without the constant talk of showers & flowers...and on the other...I am begging time to slow down so I can make the most of this special time in my life.
I am praying tonight that my conflicting feelings would call a truce inside my heart, and that I would feel the peace that only Christ can bring during this time. I know there are lots of you readers who know the crazy combination of stress + excitement + anxiousness + joy + fear that can only come about when planning a wedding. How did you cope? Any advice?
Heading to bed with a heavy but happy heart tonight. Hoping for renewed energy in the morning to get things done! Planning to blog again this week about exciting things including::: bridal portraits, a bit of decorating progress, & a special lesson God is beginning to teach me.
Oh yeah...and a special thanks to all the loyal readers + followers who offer sweet support & encouragement. Starting this blog has been a great experience for me, and it means a lot that you take the time to read it. Thank you x a million!
With one.month. left to go before our Big Day...the phrase "so little time, so much to do" fits life to a :::T::: around here. I spent lots of time today frantically making a list of all the things I had told myself didn't need to be addressed until a month before the wedding...and even more time mulling over the lengthy list trying to figure out how + where to begin.
The stress & anxiousness that I have tried so hard to keep at bay have reached an all time high...but at the same time, so has all of my excitement & joy. It really is a very odd place to be. On one hand, I am itching for the day to come and go already so we can all return to life without the constant talk of showers & flowers...and on the other...I am begging time to slow down so I can make the most of this special time in my life.
I am praying tonight that my conflicting feelings would call a truce inside my heart, and that I would feel the peace that only Christ can bring during this time. I know there are lots of you readers who know the crazy combination of stress + excitement + anxiousness + joy + fear that can only come about when planning a wedding. How did you cope? Any advice?
Heading to bed with a heavy but happy heart tonight. Hoping for renewed energy in the morning to get things done! Planning to blog again this week about exciting things including::: bridal portraits, a bit of decorating progress, & a special lesson God is beginning to teach me.
Oh yeah...and a special thanks to all the loyal readers + followers who offer sweet support & encouragement. Starting this blog has been a great experience for me, and it means a lot that you take the time to read it. Thank you x a million!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
The.Truth.About.Zumba.
"It's so easy!"
"You just dance around!"
"Nobody watches you!"
"It doesn't matter what you look like!"
"Anybody can do it!"
All of the above are statements about Zumba. Statements that, until Wednesday night, I had believed to be true. But I am here to tell you, excuse me, to warn you, that these are all myths. Legends. Tall tales. Spoken from the mouths of ridiculously in shape & gorgeous soccer moms. Kind of depressing, right? But don't worry! I am here to tell you the truth about Zumba. The good. The bad. And the profusely sweaty.
TRUTH #1: The instructors are not real people. I mean, unless Rapunzel Barbie in life size form counts as a real person? Because that's pretty much what you're dealing with when you look at my Zumba instructor. She weighs about 100 lbs. soaking wet. And she has long blonde hair that I bet was styled by Ken Paves. She doesn't put it up either, her gorgeous hair. She just lets it all whip back & forth. For an hour. And somehow it gets no tangles in it. [Are you beginning to see how she can not be real...?] In addition to her tangle free hair, one can't help but notice her sweat free brow. Not a drop y'all! I on the other hand, sweat enough to fill up a kiddie pool. Yikes. I don't know what they are. Or where they come from. But I am almost completely certain that Zumba instructors are not real life humans.
I keep capitalizing Zumba...is that right? It's a proper noun, right? I'll keep doing it.
Moving on.
TRUTH #2: The songs are not real songs. This one is hard to believe. Because when the track starts...the song is going to sound normal. You're going to hear the first few measures of Cee Lo Green's Forget You, and you're going to feel a very warm and fuzzy feeling of familiarness. Then you're going to be slapped in the sweat-drenched face by a r-r-r-remix. But not just any remix. A Zumba [or zumba. Whatever.] remix. A few characteristics to look for in a Zumba remix::: 1) Hyper-speed beats that are impossible to keep up with. 2) The word "Zumba" hollered randomly throughout the whole thing. 3) Zumba remix songs last approximately 12 minutes longer than the average tune. So if you've heard the same chorus more than 4 times in a row, it's probably a ZR.
TRUTH #3: Grown men take Zumba classes. And you have no idea how ridiculous they look. I'm just going to be honest right now, and maybe the fact that I'm doing this over the web & not to some one's face has made me more fearless. But if you are a grown man, and you are in our Zumba class, there is a very, very good chance that my friend Alyssa and I will talk about you afterwards. Not all bad things! Because some of y'all got moves! And if you are with your wife, its a little bit sweet. But still. You look kind of silly. Men just aren't natural Zumbers. Neither are folks over the age of 65. Which brings me to my next point.
TRUTH #4: Grandmas take Zumba classes. Now. Half of me wants to give these women a huge high five. Because I can only hope that when I'm their age, I am that passionate about staying healthy. But another part of me wants to sit them down in the nearest rocking chair before they fracture a hip. The aforementioned hyper-speed of a Zumba remix waits for no one. And a gal's limbs can get seriously tangled up in all those step-together-touches! But I will say that the grannys provide lots of entertainment since they usually show up in sweet white-haired flocks. I should warn you though. They don't really know what sports bras are.
TRUTH #5: Zumba is fun. What? Who is typing this? It's me. Same girl. But I mean it! Zumba really is fun! After you sort through your inner jealousy issues with Rapunzel Barbie [I secretly pray that she'll one day get a tangle. Or a zit. Anything mildly unfortunate, but temporary.], and learn not to care what people [including men & grandmothers] around you are thinking...Zumba.is.fun. It's a great workout, and it goes by a billion times faster than time on a treadmill or elliptical machine!
So there you have it. The cold hard Zumba truth. As you can see, its early in the game for me and I have a love/hate relationship with all of this. But who knows! Maybe I'll keep it up, and one day I'll be a Gramba! A Zumba-ing grandma, that is. :)
"You just dance around!"
"Nobody watches you!"
"It doesn't matter what you look like!"
"Anybody can do it!"
All of the above are statements about Zumba. Statements that, until Wednesday night, I had believed to be true. But I am here to tell you, excuse me, to warn you, that these are all myths. Legends. Tall tales. Spoken from the mouths of ridiculously in shape & gorgeous soccer moms. Kind of depressing, right? But don't worry! I am here to tell you the truth about Zumba. The good. The bad. And the profusely sweaty.
TRUTH #1: The instructors are not real people. I mean, unless Rapunzel Barbie in life size form counts as a real person? Because that's pretty much what you're dealing with when you look at my Zumba instructor. She weighs about 100 lbs. soaking wet. And she has long blonde hair that I bet was styled by Ken Paves. She doesn't put it up either, her gorgeous hair. She just lets it all whip back & forth. For an hour. And somehow it gets no tangles in it. [Are you beginning to see how she can not be real...?] In addition to her tangle free hair, one can't help but notice her sweat free brow. Not a drop y'all! I on the other hand, sweat enough to fill up a kiddie pool. Yikes. I don't know what they are. Or where they come from. But I am almost completely certain that Zumba instructors are not real life humans.
I keep capitalizing Zumba...is that right? It's a proper noun, right? I'll keep doing it.
Moving on.
TRUTH #2: The songs are not real songs. This one is hard to believe. Because when the track starts...the song is going to sound normal. You're going to hear the first few measures of Cee Lo Green's Forget You, and you're going to feel a very warm and fuzzy feeling of familiarness. Then you're going to be slapped in the sweat-drenched face by a r-r-r-remix. But not just any remix. A Zumba [or zumba. Whatever.] remix. A few characteristics to look for in a Zumba remix::: 1) Hyper-speed beats that are impossible to keep up with. 2) The word "Zumba" hollered randomly throughout the whole thing. 3) Zumba remix songs last approximately 12 minutes longer than the average tune. So if you've heard the same chorus more than 4 times in a row, it's probably a ZR.
TRUTH #3: Grown men take Zumba classes. And you have no idea how ridiculous they look. I'm just going to be honest right now, and maybe the fact that I'm doing this over the web & not to some one's face has made me more fearless. But if you are a grown man, and you are in our Zumba class, there is a very, very good chance that my friend Alyssa and I will talk about you afterwards. Not all bad things! Because some of y'all got moves! And if you are with your wife, its a little bit sweet. But still. You look kind of silly. Men just aren't natural Zumbers. Neither are folks over the age of 65. Which brings me to my next point.
TRUTH #4: Grandmas take Zumba classes. Now. Half of me wants to give these women a huge high five. Because I can only hope that when I'm their age, I am that passionate about staying healthy. But another part of me wants to sit them down in the nearest rocking chair before they fracture a hip. The aforementioned hyper-speed of a Zumba remix waits for no one. And a gal's limbs can get seriously tangled up in all those step-together-touches! But I will say that the grannys provide lots of entertainment since they usually show up in sweet white-haired flocks. I should warn you though. They don't really know what sports bras are.
TRUTH #5: Zumba is fun. What? Who is typing this? It's me. Same girl. But I mean it! Zumba really is fun! After you sort through your inner jealousy issues with Rapunzel Barbie [I secretly pray that she'll one day get a tangle. Or a zit. Anything mildly unfortunate, but temporary.], and learn not to care what people [including men & grandmothers] around you are thinking...Zumba.is.fun. It's a great workout, and it goes by a billion times faster than time on a treadmill or elliptical machine!
So there you have it. The cold hard Zumba truth. As you can see, its early in the game for me and I have a love/hate relationship with all of this. But who knows! Maybe I'll keep it up, and one day I'll be a Gramba! A Zumba-ing grandma, that is. :)
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Current.Events.
I've been one busy bride-to-be since my last post! Here is a bit of what I've been up to:::
- I worked my last day as J + W's nanny! For those who don't know, I've worked as a nanny for the sweetest family in Winterville for the last 2.5 years. It's been basically the perfect job for a college student, and I am going to miss seeing my lil fella's faces everyday! So far it has felt very odd having my afternoons wide open. And around 3pm I completely freak out inside my head thinking I should be in the carpool line. Thanks to Scott & Sally + their boys for taking such good care of me! Love you guys! [Although I haven't seen the last of them...lil Wil is going to be our ring bearer in June!]
- I'm all moved out of my apartment in Greenville & back home for the next 6 weeks! Special thanks to the sweet ladies who came up for the day on Monday to help me clean & pack. Lord knows it was no easy task! :) Excited to be home with unlimited access to Pippa's closet & lots of free time to work on all things wedding + lay by the pool.
- Speaking of all things wedding:::Invitations are officially in the mail! But we are left with 24 extra invitations.32 extra RSVP cards.and 34 extra guest information cards. Which just doesn't add up! I've been losing sleep this week, wondering who is without a component. Oh well, I guess there is nothing that can be done now! Also on the wedding front, this week I have an appointment to get my dress hemmed, and next week I take my bridal portraits! The Big Day is fast approaching, and I have seriously considered changing my blog name to [Anxiously]Waiting on a Wedding. I just might do it too.
- On the subject of blog's & their names, I have finally settled on the title for my new blog that I will begin after Walker & I are married! I'm excited about it...and can't wait to make the big reveal once we get back from honeymooning & things settle down! If you read this one, I hope you will follow my new one as well!
- Oh yeah...and I almost forgot [not!]:::WE HAVE A NEST! A home! A place to be Mr. & Mrs. Brown! Obviously I have to practice cyber safety, so I can't reveal too many details about our new pad, but I will say...it is perfect for us! In a great location just outside of Asheville, 2 bedrooms + 2 full baths, and lots & lots of land! We are beyond thrilled and can't wait to move in! We have both learned so much about patience & God's provision during these months of searching and waiting for a place to call our home. Thank you to all of our friends & family who have been so overwhelmingly supportive in our search! I speak for both Walker and myself when I say we are truly humbled & so, so grateful. PS: Did I mention we have a spare bedroom?! Perfect for a mountain weekend getaway! Come one come all! :) Now that we have a home...I have been bitten ALL OVER by the decorating bug! Lots of ideas! My 1st project will be making curtains with my sweet grandma! Can't wait to get sewing!
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