Christmas.Present.[Part2]

Originally, I was going to post these entries back to back to back. BUT...a sweet sweet surprise visit from Walker found me spending last night cuddled on the couch watching Toy Story 3 with him. [I loved it by the way! Rex was my favorite, there is something so laughable & sweet about his ongoing enthusiasm.] Thank you wBm, for your willingness to always sacrifice for our relationship. You are too good to me, and I adore you.



A little blurry:::but surprise! He's here!

 As for my thoughts on Christmas Present, I would like to draw attention to the song that half-way inspired my idea for this 3-part blog. [See video at the bottom of the post!] The song is written & sung by...who else, Dave Barnes. It's on his new Christmas CD that has been on repeat in my car all month...I can't get enough! The simplicity in the song is wonderful, yet in its quietness it speaks loudly of the things I hold so dear during this Christmas season:

family.tradition.love.

I love the phrase "subtle signs of growing up" that Dave uses. That is definitely something I am experiencing this Christmas. My "baby" cousins are now 11, and own cell phones and text me. There is no "Kids Table" anymore. Letters and cards are written in grown up cursive...which is SO much more difficult to read than print. Opening presents before the meal due to over-eagerness is no longer seen as cute, it's just greedy & not allowed. The little things. They're changing, as I always knew they would, yet I seldom recognize these "subtle signs" until they've already passed.

I am thankful right now, in this moment, in my Christmas Present...not only for the little changes, but that I'm able to see these little changes. That I'm able to remember them. I am thankful that no matter what changes occur, subtle or not, my family will remain. And this year....I am blessed with a new family, the Browns! I could not ask for better future in-laws. [And I'm not just saying that because my father-in-law has mentioned he follows my blog!] I really mean it! I am so thrilled to join their family and begin making new memories with them at Christmas time, and all year round!

This Christmas brings change for me, in big and small ways. May I embrace these changes. May I always remember the strength found in family, and the joy found in Christmas' shared with them. Because of my family, I can say "I don't know where I'm going, but I do know who I'll be."

Christmas.Past.[Part1]

I apologize for my lack of blogging over the past few days, at first I was busy doing...well, everything--as the week of finals was truly a grueling one for me. And then I was busy doing absolutely nothing! I have so so so enjoyed my Christmas Break thus far. It feels so wonderful to be home in this precious little town. I don't know what it is about Apex, but I do know this: you can't find a sweeter town! And you definitely couldn't ask for a better place to grow up.

Being home got me thinking. This town is full of sights, smells, sounds, landmarks...that instantly take me back to a memory. Christmas always brings me home, and home always brings me into a comforting period of nostalgia. That being said, I got the idea a few weeks back to do a 3 part blog series that is sort-of-kind-of based on Charles Dickens' holiday classic, A Christmas Carol...and now, I finally have the time to do it! I am no Scrooge, mind you! I just think it would be wonderful to take the next 3 evenings to:::remember what I've gleaned from Christmas Past, reflect on what is Christmas Present, and voice my hopes for Christmas Future. The following are thoughts about, and lessons learned in Christmas Past:

Magical.

That is the perfect word to describe each and every Christmas of my childhood. While no family is perfect, and mine certainly wasn't close, Christmas WAS perfect. We had a real tree. Homemade ornaments. Cookies baking. Christmas music always on the stereo. My heart has literally warmed inside my body as I type this. As a child, I was able to experience so much joy through my family at Christmas time. I learned what it meant to really give. I felt gentle love and tenderness in gifts received. I developed an appreciation for tradition. I found joy in the simpleness of just spending time with my family.

My parents did a really great job of balancing the religious meaning of Christmas, and letting my sister & I experience some of the "packaged" merriment our culture has invented. I proudly believed in Santa Claus until I was in 4th grade, and I was heartbroken as my Dad sat me on our front porch to break the news I had so reluctantly seen coming. However, as much as I delighted in Santa and his gifts, I can honestly say I found Christ, and the story of His birth, so much more appealing.

I look back on Christmas Past with nothing but fond memories. Memories that have kept my family glued together through the years. Memories that force me to hold tight to this "Spirit of Christmas" that people are always talking about; the kindness, love, and comfort that are trademarks of this wonderful time of year. I am so grateful for my family, and the memories we have made together year after year. I am thankful we have the health and wealth necessary to celebrate, and I pray that we would continue to be blessed. May I never forget the values gained & the memories made in my magical Christmas Past.

                                          My view as I blog tonight:::Pure.Christmas.

Making.Room.

I really shouldn't be blogging right now. I should, obviously, be studying. But this is my final attempt at procrastination. Plus...what I'm about to post has been on my mind all week, and it's going to feel so good get it out of my head and onto my blog:::

I've been attending a lovely college Sunday School class lately--when I'm not visiting Walker in Asheville, and this past week we discussed: making room for Christ in the season of Advent. How do we do it? Why is it often so difficult? And perhaps the most convicting question....do we make room for Christ at all? If we're really honest with ourselves? After some thought, I've realized that even since the day of His birth...this world has had trouble making room for Him.

"And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn." --Luke 2:7

For me, making room for Christ and His arrival is difficult for many reasons, but one that stands out. I am a very social person [that might actually be a bit of an understatement], and Christmas has become a very social holiday. I love loving people. And laughing with people. And forming friendships & memories with people. This, to my delight, is a season filled with all of those things. This makes it hard for me to spend the time needed to internally celebrate Christmas. I am really good at externally celebrating, if I do say so myself. But to internalize Advent, and what it means...requires a quiet spirit. One that for me, is especially hard to find amongst the hustle + bustle of December.

I want to be intentional this holiday season to celebrate Christmas inside my soul. To make room for Christ by quieting myself in hopes of hearing Him. May I find some way, in all the noise, to quietly & genuinely appreciate Christ and His humble arrival. This will definitely prove to be a challenge, seeing as I am external by nature. But I am confident that by making room for Christ during Advent, I will better experience the true joy that His birth brings. I pray I will be granted a quiet, yielding spirit, and that I will see it's value not just this Christmas, but all year long.

"Take time to be aware that in the very midst of our busy preparations for the celebration of Christ’s birth in ancient Bethlehem, Christ is reborn in the Bethlehems of our homes and daily lives. Take time, slow down, be s t i l l, be awake to the Divine Mystery that looks so common and so ordinary yet is wondrously present." --Edward Hays.

Welcome.December.

December is so happily welcomed in my life this year.

Normally I'm a bit hesitant of its arrival; as it brings the bitter cold and final exams. But this year as December comes; I am conscious of the fact that this is my last holiday season as a single woman, and I plan on making the best of it! Not the put-on-a-dress-that-should-actually-be-a-shirt-and-go-downtown-to-get-my-dance-on kind of making the best of it, but the being-intentional-about-the-time-I-spend-with-my-family-&-friends kind of making the best of it.  I have a so many wonderful events to look forward to, and the countdown is officially on until I am home in Apex for 3 glorious weeks [14 days to go.] Just two days into December and I'm already in love with this month.

Last night me & a sweet friend made the drive to Raleigh to see one of our favorite musicians live in concert, Dave Barnes! I've seen him once already with Walker to celebrate our 1 year anniversary...and we had a great time, so I couldn't wait to see him again. If you don't know who Dave Barnes is: He is a singer/songwriter from Nashville, TN. [And you can check him out here. You won't regret it!] As far as his genre...it just depends on what song you're listening to! He could be classified as contemporary christian/bluegrass/R&B/rock...he's extremely versatile which I love. But the thing I think that really draws me to him, are his lyrics. In today's music culture, there are so many artists who 1) don't write their own songs, and 2) use lyrics that are either too complicated or too vulgar or too irrelevant for most people to understand. While so many artists are writing songs about concepts the world can't figure out, Dave writes songs about the things we do know. The things we can grasp. Things like love, and grace, and family. His simple lyrics are good for my soul.

The opening band for Dave Barnes was Drew Holcomb & the Neighbors. What a treat! I had heard a bit of their stuff before but never expressed a desire to see them live, but I am so glad I did! Their songs are wonderful and they have a great energy on stage. I want to write about something that happened during their set, and it will probably seem lame & cheesy. So if you aren't interested in things like that, I feel bad for you and you shouldn't keep reading. But the way I see it, everyone has these precious, unexpected, vivid moments in their life that they will never forget. They just, can't. This was one of mine.

Drew Holcomb & the Neighbors were singing one of their songs, Fire and Dynamite. Near the end of the song the lights came up over the crowd, and everyone was singing, and smiling so big, and just glowing with happiness. That theatre was filled to the top with genuine joy. For just these few, random, blissful moments, it was like an entire room of people who had never met, became best friends. Everyone was on the same page. Everyone was in the exact same moment. Everyone was beautifully united. As I said, this may sound cheesy. But when you're lucky enough to have one of those moments in your life, and recognize it...I think you should be wise enough to document it.

The concert left me feeling grateful for a new appreciation for those moments. I am only 22 years old so I pray there will be more to come, and I pray that I would be given discernment to see them. I also left with a deeper understanding of unity, and the important role it will play in my marriage. Unity opens the door to laughter, support, and harmony. All things that I pray are components in my marriage. If December 1st was any indication as to how the month will progress, I say, with a huge smile on my face: Welcome, December. Welcome.

Love.Is.Patient.

Patience is a virtue that any newlywed must undoubtedly acquire--or so I've heard. This has proven to be a struggle for me at times, but thankfully I came across a great book that gives me a new and refreshing outlook on what patience really is, and why it is so important.

Life on the Vine; Cultivating the Fruit of the Spirit, by Phillip Kenneson has been a God-send for me. It devotes one chapter to each virtue, and the author approaches the subjects from a new and interesting angle, while still keeping it biblical. The book doesn't relay its lesson's to engagement or marriage--that part is up to me, but its not difficult to see their relevance to mine and Walker's preparation. In his book, Kenneson makes the observation that without patience; peace and forgiveness become difficult...and sometimes impossible. He writes:

"Patience is a necessary prerequisite for establishing peace. One's willingness to be wronged, to absorb evil patiently without retaliating, helps to break the cycle of vengeance and opens up the possibility for healing and peace. Hence, though forgiveness is a constitutive practice of peace, forgiveness is unimaginable apart from patience."

I began to imagine my marriage with Walker without forgiveness and peace. I didn't like what I saw. Then I let my mind wander to what my relationship with God would be like without forgiveness and peace. The thought was truly scary enough to make me want to cry. One of the most endearing qualities of the God I worship is His willingness to forgive, and to provide peace. Both of those things stem from the fact that He is "slow to anger." [Numbers 14:18]

This is probably the one quality of Christ I would most like to adopt at this point in my life. For planning such a joyous event, there sure are lots of ways to get angry while planning a wedding. Guest lists that are too big. Budgets that are too small. Endless searches for yellow high heels [anyone know where I could find an adorable pair for an affordable price?]. There are so many little things that I find myself losing patience with. And if I can't learn to be patient while planning this wedding, how can I expect patience out of myself when I'm in the throws of my marriage?

Over the next few days I want to better understand the virtue of patience, and how it allows room for peace and forgiveness. I want to praise God for the patience and mercy He offers me, and learn from Him how to better exercise patience with others. When I am married, there will be days where my patience will surely be tested--so may I use this time to strengthen it. I would love to become a bride-to-be who has the ability to patiently wait; on her husband, on others, and on God.

::::Brothers and sisters, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.::::   --James 5:10-11

Joy.In.Simplicity.

I fear I have become "that" blogger. The one who starts a blog and writes in it religiously for a month or two and then moves onto the next impulsive phase of life. I promised myself this wouldn't happen...so I refuse to let it. I am back & ready to blog...regularly!

I have come to use this blog sort of as electronic accountability. As a general rule...the more I'm writing=the more I'm growing. Posting helps me process what I'm learning, and allows me to reference back to these times of growth, in detail. Even after only a few months, to look back over these beginning trials & triumphs has been so helpful in the spiritual preparation for my marriage. Over Thanksgiving Break I was faced with several trials as a bride-to-be. But one challenge has stuck out: Finding joy in simplicity.

During this detailed process of planning a wedding, it is truly my heart's desire to find happiness in every step. Our society has made wedding planning expensive, and extensive. There are tons of ways to spend tons of money, and while there are ways to save--they are far less glorified than opportunities to overspend. I want to take steps to simplify my wedding & find the joy that comes in wisely using resources, and adding my own personal touch to certain elements of our special day.

As I simplify my wedding, I am challenged to simplify my life in general. I would love in the coming weeks to "de-clutter" my heart. I believe that Christ sees value in the simple. He appreciated Mary, and her simple act of worship as she sat at His feet while Martha remained consumed with life's busyness. He valued simple obedience from His disciples, and used simple parables to convey mighty truths. Furthermore, as Christmas approaches, I notice the simple way He entered the world. But how joyous was that day. What is that song we sing each year? Oh yes...

JOY to the world.

I pray that I may recognize what brings Christ joy, and that would in turn bring me joy. May I use the next 7 months to recognize happiness in simplicity. I want to simply love God, and simply love Walker, and simply love others. May my heart become less cluttered with the whims & wishes of society, and more stripped down so it may see the value of  grace and love. May Walker and I both experience the true, freeing, contagious joy that is found in simply living, and simply loving...as we plan our wedding, and as we live out our lives together has husband and wife.

Ecclesiastes.Three.One.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."

As I previously blogged about, I have been experiencing a season of bluriness over the past few weeks. One thing that is not blurry, however, are the colors of Fall here in Greenville, North Carolina. I've lived here 4 years...and never have I seen colors this vibrant! The apartment complex I live in is nestled in a quaint wooded area...providing lots of trees + their lovely changing leaves. This week they've peaked, and it is like living in a Fall wonderland! Today was a beautiful day so I took the opportunity to snap a few pictures. Here are some of my favorites::

"But I miss you most of all my darling,

when autumn leaves start to fall."

--Nat King Cole.

Birthdays.Beth Moore.&Blurriness.

Highlights from the last 11 days of my life::

• I turned 22! And before you ask...nope, I don't feel any older. My birthday was low-key, but included all the elements I could have asked for. Friends, family, & fiance'. I had a great time relaxing & celebrating. Favorite gift: A new Bible from Walker! Thanks dear!
• My baby sister got her first college acceptance letter. Next Fall she'll be a lil UNC-G Spartan! This made me feel old more than turning 22 did. I am so proud! Christmas wish-list: A Spartan hoodie to show my support!
• I cleaned & cut a whole chicken! [With a little help from my Dad & sweet Grandma.] I learned: that chickens get black heads [ew.] and gizzards are nasty.
• I participated in my first Beth Moore Bible Study, ever. How did I go 22 years without? I have no idea. She is lovely. I did her Measureless Love study with 19 other girls on our BCM Women's Retreat. It.was.a.blast. Everything you hear about how women act when men aren't around...is absolutely true. I am so thankful for the laughter & joy those girls bring me!
• I came across this video. The story of Jonah according to the most adorable 5 year old I have ever seen. [Its actually extremely accurate!] I know its over 7 minutes long...but if you have the time, watch it. That sweet girl will warm your heart + its a great reminder of the truths found in the story of Jonah.
• I bought the new Dave Barnes CD! Merry [early] Christmas to me! The album was purchased in preparation to see Dave LIVE on December 1st in Raleigh!
• I got caught texting while driving. Never. Again. Thankfully the policeman let me go without a ticket. But not without a glaring look of disapproval and shame...which is worse than a ticket for me.
• I caught a killer cold. Did I say killer? k i l l e r. I've been downing NyQuil like Gatorade.

Notice nothing on that list included wedding planning. I've been so busy with other stuff that, so far this month, all things wedding have been pushed to the back burner. However, this weekend I indulged myself and bought the new issue of The Knot [I say "indulge" because that sucker was $9.99!! Robbery.] But the mag is chock full of great inspiration & ideas that have sparked my motivation to keep planning.

In all the aforementioned busyness, I have been experiencing some spiritual blurriness. Meaning, I am seeing God at work in my heart & around me, but it's not all clear. I can't seem to discern exactly what He wants from me, or what my next move should be. And, to make matters worse, I'm so seemingly busy that I'm convincing myself I don't have the time to sort out matters of my heart. Thankfully God gracious & patient with me. I'm learning truths about contentment, and control...yet I still don't fully grasp those concepts. They're still a bit...well, blurry. 

You see, I'm a lover of all things black & white. In fashion, photography, television...and apparently in my spiritual life. Shades of gray leave me confused and to be honest, a bit frightened. I have always thought of myself as the kind of Christian who understood and accepted that "His ways were higher than my ways" [Isaiah 55:9]...but now that I am experiencing this season in my life where not everything is black & white just how I like it, I am growing frustrated.

I am learning to be thankful for these areas in my life that seem unclear, or unfinished. There is so much to glean from times of confusion, these moments of blurriness. God's word assures me that He is not in the business of leaving things undone...

"...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." -Philippians 1:6

It is my prayer that I will begin embracing the blurriness of the coming weeks, and learn to love a little gray...after all, over the next 7 months, I'm going to be seeing a lot of it! Gray & yellow are the new black & white. At least in this season of my life!

Inspiration.vs.Fixation.

After discovering how supposedly behind I was on my wedding planning earlier this week...I have gone from thinking about wedding plans every other day or so, to letting it consume my thoughts 24/7. Wedding websites like oncewed & 100layercake that I used to visit once or twice a week...I now leave up and click refresh every 4 seconds.

I love those websites. I love looking for inspiration and finding ideas that I can turn into my own. But my obsession with inspiration is beginning to cause a problem. This may sound odd...but I find myself lusting after other peoples weddings. I think I'm so secure in the decisions I'm making. My dress. My venue. My colors. But then I see these pictures and I think "How could I not have thought of that?" or "Their venue is so much better than mine!" 

I'm cheating on my own wedding plans!

This startling discovery has taught me a lot about contentment. I thought back to a time before I was dating Walker, and how it took me being completely content in my singleness, to realize the true spiritual value of a relationship. And when I began that relationship, it took complete contentment in who I was through Christ, and who my partner was through Christ, to create a relationship that would honor Him.

You would think that since I'm the one making all these decisions...that it would be easy to be content with them. But I'm starting to be deceived by thinking that if I lived somewhere else, or had more money, or more creativity, then I would have a "better" wedding. Thankfully...God is faithful to remind me that "cute DIY ideas & vintage decorations do not a marriage make." Let me not lose sight of what is really being planned during these months. Walker & I are preparing for a marriage, a life together. Not simply a wedding.

I am so thankful that Christ has allowed me to catch myself in my "affair." May I now return to the healthy hobby of browsing for inspiration. Checking websites & flipping through bridal magazines is a guilty pleasure made especially for the bride-to-be, and I would hate to miss out on the fun! But I pray that I would return to a place of contentment as I continue to plan my Big Day. I pray that I would know the line between inspiration & fixation, and that I wouldn't dare cross it again...

Trials.&.Triumphs.

At last! Time to sit in the quietness of an empty apartment and blog. Writing these entries has really become therapeutic for me. It's a great way to help me minimize my stress levels, and really figure out what's going on in this engaged head of mine. Speaking of stress levels...mine were impressively low until yesterday, when I created that darn wedding website.

Theknot.com does this [seemingly] cute little thing where they give you a check list that tells you everything you should have done by the end of each month leading up to your wedding. Today I discovered I have 342 items left to complete. 54 of those are classified as "overdue." 342 items?! If I chose one task per day to complete, I would finish the check list 108 days AFTER my wedding. And what good would that do me?

I'm stressing myself out all over again just typing this post.

After seeing all those numbers, I was feeling way behind, and way defeated. I felt like, if this is my own wedding, how am I letting it slip so out of my control? I mean, 54 "overdue" items? I thought I was right on track! Walker says theknot.com is just over excessive in what they expect of brides, and that there couldn't possibly be that many things to be behind on. I hope he's right.

My blog's subtitle reads "trials & triumphs of a bride-to-be." The stress put on me by that silly little check list has definitely been a trial for me. Our society has formed its own ideas about what weddings should be, and how they should be planned. Balancing those ideas--and my own unique ideas about planning this day, and what it should symbolize...is quite a task.

Thankfully, where God provided a trial--He also provided a triumph. Something I really struggle with in my relationship with Walker is patience. Sometimes its hard for me to be patient while I tag along to his church events, fundraiser lunches, choir rehearsals, and youth lock-ins. I get caught up in believing that just because I've driven 5.5 hours to see him, that all his time should be devoted to me.

As I've already written about, this past weekend I knew way ahead of time that my visit to Walkers would be jam packed with his work-related activities. I immediately began praying for patience, and that God would change my heart. I know that me growing impatient with Walker's obligations is nothing more than me serving a false god of selfishness. Over the weekend, I saw God answer my prayers in the most wonderful way. I saw Him equip me with patience and humility, which allowed me to serve both Him and Walker with genuine positivity and energy.

This made our weekend together SO much more enjoyable. I was able to identify with Walker and some of his sources of stress, and joy. And it made me that much more excited to marry Walker and take on his ministry with the Weaverville youth as my own. Experiencing a trial and a triumph so close together has proved the grace and provision of Christ, and I am so grateful to walk near to Him through this time of transition. I know one thing I can continually check off my planning list. Grow closer to my Creator during engagement: check.

An[other].Update.

Fall has [finally] arrived in Greenville! Its freezing outside & my sinuses are hating it, but the leaves are lovely! This weekend was great, except for the fact that I completely forgot to take pictures, of anything! You see, my life has become so lame that the only time I ever do things exciting enough to document through pictures, is when I visit Walker. And since I dont do that daily, its hard for me to get in the habit of pulling my camera out. Plus, I think Walks kind of finds it obnoxious when I cross into shutterbug mode. BUT someone did snap a few pics of us dressed as Johnny & June...so I'll try to get my hands on those and post one asap.

I'm preparing to send out our save-the-dates shortly after Thanksgiving, and I realized that these days its the thing to do to put your wedding website on your s-t-d. [I think from now on I'll just type out save-the-date, versus suggestivly abbreviating it...oops!] It occured to me that we do not have a wedding website. So I set out to make one. Luckily theknot.com makes it pretty simple. It still needs some work, but you can find it here. The internet around my quaint lil apartment complex is making it difficult to upload photos to the "pictures" tab...but I'll get em up somehow!

Now. As for blogging about more than just petty planning updates...
Tonight I am bogged down with homework & I don't have the time to post a well thought out blog entry. But I've carved out time over the next few days to sit down and figure out where I am mentally + spiritually this week. [Is scatter-brained a place to be?!] I'll be back tomorrow after some sleep & prayer.

Actually I will say just this one thing: Tomorrow makes 2 months since the day Walker proposed to me. And let me shout it out [err, type it out in caps...]: BEING ENGAGED TO WALKER ROCKS! :)

PS: I don't really know what I did or how I did it...but there are now these little boxes at the bottom of any post and you can check one. If you want. But you don't have to. I don't know how many people read this blog, or who you are, or why you read it. But thank you. You are an encouragement and I can't even see your face. Isn't the blog world beautiful?

An.Update.

EIGHT MONTHS to go! This makes part of me want to scream, and part of me want to jump up & down and squeal with delight. Things are coming along smoothly. I feel like I am right on track! My dress has been ordered, and my bridesmaid dresses will be ordered by Thanksgiving. Our date + venue are still secured, and the honeymoon is booked! We will be honeymooning here, the Secrets Resort of Cap Cana, Dominican Republic [sometimes I shorten it in my head and say Dom Repub]. We are so excited and this is truly a dream honeymoon for us! We are thankful for the extreme generosity of two special, dear friends who have given us this trip essentially free of cost. We are forever grateful for the example of selflessness and cheerful giving that they have shown us. To those sweet friends...thank you! We love you both!

We know that while we will be staying at an extremely lavish resort, the Dominican Republic is a very poverty stricken nation. We are looking for an opportunity to commit a day of our stay there to help out with a local mission project. So if anyone reading this knows of a missionary in the DR who could use some help in early July...let me know! Please be praying that we would be given an opportunity to serve.

Right now our biggest obstacle is proving to be the guest list. Still. We just know too many wonderful people! I guess if we're going to have a problem...that is a great one to have! The encouragement and support we continue to receive from our parents, family, and friends is so sweet! Saying we are extremly grateful would be an understatement!

This weekend I will travel over to Asheville to spend the weekend with Walker! We're dressing up as Johnny & June Carter Cash for Halloween! I am really excited because June Carter Cash is one of my favorite women ever! I will also help Walker with his youth lock-in on Friday night, and the church Fall Festival on Saturday. It should be a great weekend, & I will be sure to post pictures here!

We started reading a book together this week by Gary Chapman called "Things I wish I'd Known Before We Got Married." We're reading a chapter a week...and this week's chapter is called "I Wish I Had Known: That Being in Love is not an Adaquate Foundation for Building a Successful Marriage." Quite a title. It talks about how "infatuation" or "the tingles" eventually wear off...and then what do we have? So even though its really hard for me NOT to get the chills when I see Walker after 2 weeks apart...I'm going to focus this weekend not only on our love, but on friendship, laughter, and encouragement as well. Which shouldn't be hard to do! :)

Mirror.Mirror.

Where do the weekends go? Seriously. This one was full of homework, Pirate football, friends, possums [we have one hanging out on our porch every night...making it quite frightening to come home anytime after 10pm.] & missing Walker of course.

I also had time this weekend to continue reading Gary Thomas' book Sacred Marriage, and I am so glad for it. I read a chapter about sin that really challenged me. I have previously blogged about the sin that is exposed during marriage, and loving my husband no matter what sin he struggles with, no matter what problems arise. But what about my own sin being exposed?

"Sometimes what is hard to take in the first years of marriage is not what we find out about our partner, but what we find out about ourselves."

I am tempted to say that 9 times out of 10, if I am having a problem with Walker, it is simply disguised as a problem that I have with myself. I may feel like he isn't giving me enough attention throughout the day, like he's too busy to make time for me. But really, that's me harboring a selfish spirit. Our relationship holds up a mirror to my own sin, and I'm sure our marriage will hold up a mirror too. One of those 10x magnified ones that men use to clip their nose hairs. I am going to see every.little.thing. The question is...once I see my sin glaring back at me, what am I going to do about it?

The obvious answer is; pray. I must pray with a humbled and repentive heart. I must ask Walker's forgiveness, and that he join me in my prayers. Prayers that I may be a woman of positivity, and patience. Prayers that I may resist the temptation to hide my sin behind harsh words and judgements towards him. Another answer, and perhaps a more difficult one, is to ask Walker "Where do you see holiness lacking in my life? Where else is my sin so unattractively protruding?" In other words...I need to ask my husband, straight up, in Godly honesty, to tell me where I lack. But I also need to trust that he will not love me less because of my sin's exposure, but only love me more for my willingness to fix things.

Thats right. Fix things. Now that I'll see my sin for what it really is, I will have to be committed to fixing areas in my life that need work. Again, I can turn to prayer for focus + strength. I can turn to Walker who can keep me accountable. "Fixing" oneself should be an ongoing process. May I follow Paul's words in Philipians 3:13 "...I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead." May I never learn all I can learn about being a great wife, or a great follower of Christ for that matter!

These four words. See. Pray. Ask. Fix. Are all words that call me to action. They call me to intentionally and actively work towards dealing with my sin in a way that would honor God. It is my prayer that I will not see my sin's exposure as embarassing or negative, but as a way to grow closer to God, and closer to Walker.

Courage.In.Commitment.

Someone recently told me, that getting married was "the bravest thing I'd ever do." I don't really consider myself a brave person. I've never enjoyed roller coasters, or climbing tall trees. I get really, really scared if I'm alone in my apartment at night time, and I stand on the furniture if I see any type of insect other than a butterfly. I don't usually stray too far from the sidewalk--as Kelly Clarkson would say.

I got to thinking. There really is something brave, something courageous, about getting married. A person must be brave to promise to spend the rest of their life with someone, regardless of what wrong-doings are committed, what sins or bad habits are exposed. To stand beside another person through the twists and turns of life, unwavering in love and devotion...that's brave!

I decided to ask myself--how brave am I? Not on a physical level, like do I skydive or bull fight...but how brave am I spiritually? How prepared am I for the battles that arise during a marriage, and the bravery that it takes to fight them? While I don't feel that brave on my own, through Christ I feel the freedom to be fearless. Isaiah 42:6 says "I the Lord have called you in righteousness, and I will hold you by the hand." How reassuring to know that God has called me for a righteous purpose, and that He is right next to me, guiding me by the hand. I am glad to worship a God of proximity.

I get a sense of courage through Walker, also. From now on, we will be combating the trials of life together, side by side--and that is a really comforting feeling. To know that there is someone that will share in joy & pain with me, and be there through both successes and failures...what a joy! I have found such a wonderful companion in Walker Brown. He makes me not only feel brave enough to fight life's battles, but I often find myself saying "Okay Life, whats next? Bring it on. We've got this!"

Though bravery is something I lack much of, it is something I hope to gain in the coming months. Through my relationship with God, and with Walker, may I aquire more courage, and strength. May I fearlessly love, and courageously trust in this righteous purpose I have been called to. May I be a wife who is brave. For God, for her husband, and for her family.  

PS: Speaking of bravery...the pastor of my home church is currently in Ukraine with his wife & their daughter, in hopes of adopting another child. Their journey has been a rocky one thus far, but they have remained strong & focused. Their story is truly one of courage. You can find & follow the Hamlin's blog here.

The.Search.Is.Over.

10.16.2010.
The day I officially said yes to the dress!

I went to Davids Bridal with my Mom + my sister on Saturday and needless to say, this experience was much more enjoyable than the last. With the help of an awesome consultant, Dionne, I tried on 4 dresses and loved all of them! The second dress ended up being "the one." It is simply perfect for me, and for what I invisioned on my wedding day. Its classy and fresh with clean lines, and I plan on adding a homemade embelishment to really make the dress my own. I couldn't be happier and it's all that I can do to not post a link to the dress right here on my blog! But Walker could stumble upon it, which I hear is bad luck...

I also found my bridesmaid dresses, and I'm equally as excited about those! I chose a dress that I know will be comfortable, and I'm certain my girls can wear again. Not to mention the dresses have P O C K E T S. I'm obsessed.

The rest of the weekend was just as exciting. The North Carolina State Fair provided lots of fun [and deep-fried food...] with dear old friends! Speaking of dear friends, one of my oldest friends Graham Jackson proposed to his girlfriend of several years, Courtney! I couldn't be happier for them both! So many awesome couples getting engaged left and right...I couldn't be more excited! I love Love.

Now, after a great weekend at home I am back in Greenville. And Walker is with me! It's so much fun! Except for as I'm trying to type this blog post...he's sitting beside me typing random letters. Men. I have so many more thoughts to reflect on, and I can't wait to satisfy this bloggers itch I've had for the past few days. But tonight--Mrs. Doubtfire is on TV, and my wonderful fiance is sitting right beside me...now how is a bride-to-be supossed to blog under these circumstances?! :)

Compromise.Moves.Us.Along.

The following is an actual exerpt from an actual journal entry that I actually wrote:

February 22, 2009
5:45am 

...Its different with Walker. Different than it's ever been. I don't know how the future will unfold. But it would be pretty wonderful if Walker was in it. He just makes me laugh all the time, and he brings out the best in me. We have so much in common, and the things we don't agree about...I want to compromise, that's my first thought. Talking with him automatically makes my day better--its awesome! I am so thankful and blessed to have him as a friend. I pray God would reign over our friendship and lead it in the way that would honor Him...

It was so sweet to stumble across this. The journal entry kind of jogged my memory, and took me back to when I first started liking Walker. I was brought back to the things I first noticed & loved about him. I was reminded of the newness of our friendship, and the laughter he brings to my life. Not much has changed since then! I have discovered even more things that I love about Walker, and we still laugh--a lot!

I should be honest though and say, that one thing has changed since I wrote that entry. I fear that my willingness to compromise has waned. I still do it! But...do I do it as cheerfully as I did when Walker & I first met? Where has the joy gone that I once found in compromise? After all, it really is a beautiful thing--when two people have different thoughts, but they both care so much about the other that they selflessly & willingly agree to move towards eachother's way of thinking. True, conscious, humbled compromise is rare, and it is sweet.

If compromise is so lovely, why is it so hard for me to do it sometimes? Perhaps I'm not so eager to please Walker anymore? Since I know he isn't "going anywhere." My, that seems like such a rude thought, now that I've just typed it. Or maybe I've gotten so caught up in serving a god of pride that I can't see the joy in serving my fiance by compromising? OR, could it be that both my apathy + pride are viciously working together to strip me of the happiness I find in being agreeable? All of the above.

Well. Needless to say I'm feeling about 2 inches tall right now. God has granted me a spirit of conviction, and I am so grateful. May I work in the coming days & weeks to rediscover the joy that true and selfless compromise brings. Not just in my relationship with Walker, but with everyone I encounter. May I aquire a spirit of quiet & joyful compromise that will honor my husband-to-be, my friends & family, and God.

:::Learn the wisdom of compromise. For it is better to bend a little than to break. --Jane Wells:::

Under.Construction.

:::extreme makeover--blog edition:::

Changing a few things! I have no idea what I'm doing...so please bear with me!

Goodbye.Fall.Break.

Highlights of Fall Break:

• Spending lots of quality time with Walker.
• Leaves: Right on the brink of changing! Saw a good bit of yellow & fiery red.
• Watching the movie Once. [Thanks Dad, for lending us a copy!]  Watch out for profanity, but the music is to.die.for.
• Well-Bred Bakery in downtown Weaverville, NC. Adorable + Affordable. I could stay for hours!
• Finding loads of DIY wedding ideas [ribbon wreaths & quote canvases].
• My Dad & Grandparent’s visit to Mars Hill—they make for the sweetest company.
• Seeing Walker in a tux + listening to his choir concert. How lucky am I that my fiancé has the most perfect tenor voice in the world? Its like verbal milk chocolate.
• Sunday Morning—a sermon about having a spirit of gratitude. A refreshing reminder.

I have to brag on my husband-to-be for a second...as I mentioned in a previous post, Walker was not on Fall Break last week & had to keep up with all his normal responsibilities while I was there. However, amidst the craziness of his week, he did an amazing job at carving out time for us to be together, and still paid me tons of loving attention. Thank you for your [successful] efforts dear, to balance love + work. :)

Next Mon + Tues is Walker's Fall Break, and he's coming to Greenville! I can't wait. Other upcoming events...the North Carolina State Fair & a visit from a dear friend + bridesmaid, Renee Conley! She moved to Indiana this summer and we're all looking forward to her coming home for a few days. Also next weekend, I will continue my search for the perfect dress. Exciting days ahead! :)

Time is flying by...just 256 days left! [just...?] Fall is the perfect time to be engaged...with the season's change has come a renewed excitment & a calm spirit. Heres hoping that these low-stress levels aren't just the product of a relaxing Fall Break!

Pop.Quizzes.

Fall break is here! My first & only Fall Break as an engaged woman, might I add. It feels great to r e l a x, and spend some time with Walker. Unfortunately, our academic schedules never line up...meaning while I'm here, Walker is not on Fall Break & must keep to a semi-normal schedule--class, meetings, homework, etc.

Tonight while he is at a choir rehersal, I've set up camp in a Barnes & Noble down the street. It's made for some pretty great people watching. Anywhere in Asheville makes for some great people watching actually. There are tons of couples here--and I think they're really on to something! What a fun & inexpensive night out. Coffee + dessert + books & magazines galore + big comfy chairs. Sounds like a perfect date night to me!

There is one couple sitting a few tables away that has particularly caught my, uh, ear. [Is this creepy of me? Well perhaps they shouldn't talk so loud.] For the last fifteen minutes, they have been drilling eachother on...themselves. Almost like a "pop-quiz?" Their favorite band, their favorite food, their favorite TV shows...I think they may be on a first date. She keeps twirling her hair & applying lip gloss while he stares at his oversized sk8r boi shoes.

They've got me thinking...how well do I really know Walker? Or perhaps the more convicting question: How well do I really know God? How well do WE really know God, Walker & I as a couple? I came across this quote earlier this week that hits the nail on the head:  

:::A magnificant marriage begins not with knowing one another but with knowing God. --Gary & Betsy Ricucci :::

Knowing eachother is obviously important. Walker & I have spent countless hours discovering things about eachother. But how much MORE important is it for us to know God? To really know Him. To know His mercy & love, but also His judgement. To know & model His kindess, and forgiveness. If we spend more time learning about eachother rather than learning about God...we are missing what the point of marriage really is. It is not a tool to increase our happiness, but a gift to inhance our ministry.

That couple was certainly not wrong to learn about eachother. And I only hope to learn more and more about Walker as we spend the rest of our lives together. But my prayer is that I won't allow myself to fall into the trap of spending more time studying my husband than I spend studying God. May I constantly learn more about each of them, through each of them. I have never liked "pop-quizzes"...but if I were given one on God, or on my husband--may I be the kind of wife that is prepared for both.

Now...off to browse through heavy & expensive bridal magazines that I would never actually buy. Happy Fall Break! :)

The.Search.Begins.

Another weekend has come & gone. My goodness. I remembered today that it has been a whole entire month since Walker & I got engaged! I can't believe that! Time is moving so quickly, and it's a daily challenge for me to force myself to   s l o w   d o w n   and really soak up everything that's happening. I must say, this blog has been a huge help. It requires me to put down my text books, log off Facebook, turn off the TV [which is really difficult tonight because there is a Life marathon on the Discovery Channel!], and reflect on all of this excitement. This blog post isn't so much a reflection, as it is a documentation. A documentation of my search for the perfect wedding dress.

The Search--Part 1:

Did you know that Say Yes To The Dress is the most misleading show about wedding gown shopping ever? It really is. My experience was nothing like on that show! No one's is. Unless you have a $5,000 budget. Or your last name is Kardashian.

I went shopping with my Mom, my sister [& maid-of-honor], and my grandmother. We went to the Burlington Bridal Mart, because we heard it offered the best selection. And that they did! There were over 3,000 dresses in the store...no two the same! However--I soon found out, the wider the selection...the more overwhelming the experience.

First of all. Most, if not all bridal gowns run small. Meaning you must search for dresses that are a size or two larger than your normal dress size. Which makes a bride-to-be feel awesome! Not. Second of all, there were no dressing rooms in this store. You simply went behind a curtain and took your place along the wall-o-brides, all of us changing into & out of gowns at the same time. Sort of like a bride-to-be locker room.

Putting on a wedding dress wasn't as thrilling as I thought it would be. It was actually quite a chore. You have to squeeze, and jerk, and push and pull all at the same time. I quickly learned not to select dresses that lace-up the back. That process will take your breath away. Literally.

After I was finally in a gown, I would go show my family. Which was when I expected myself to start crying and fanning myself while everyone repeated "this is the one. this. is. the one." But as I stood looking at myself in the one mirror that stretched across the entire wall--I realized there were dozens of brides all along the mirror. All the dresses started to blend together and look like the one I was wearing.  It became a very impersonal experience. I didn't feel special. I felt like I was at an audition of sorts, competing for the role of "Bride."

I realize I am not the only one getting married, or the only one looking for a wedding dress. But I didn't expect for the search for my special dress, the dress a girl dreams about her whole life, to be so informal. So, not individualized.

I walked away without a dress, but it was a great learning experience. I discovered what I like, and definitely don't like in a bridal gown. I made some memories with the women in my family that I will have forever! And I met lots of other sweet brides on their quest for a perfect dress.

I'll continue my search soon, and I am so excited! This is the only time in my life I'll ever have a reason to try on wedding gowns--I want to have fun with it! And even though the show is super unrealisitic...all I really want is to say "yes" to the dress! :)

Learning.To.Love.

In case you've been living under a rock...the little town of Greenville, North Carolina is well on its way to being underwater. It has been pouring all day, and shows no signs of stopping. I'm convinced the rain is having a good laugh as it watches those of us who think an umbrella & polka-dot rainboots will suffice...you practically need a paddle boat to get to class!

I figured out in highschool how strongly my emotions were effected by the weather. I'm normally energetic, and agreeable. But on these dark & dreary days, I feel like I have a bone to pick with the whole world! That got me thinking...how different men are from women. Walker could care less about the weather. Hot, cold, rain or shine, he remains unchanged. [Unless it's snowing...then he turns into an elated 5 year old. Which I find adorable.] Another way we are completely different: I have seen Walker cry a total of 4 times. He on the other hand, would be c r a z y  to even try and count how many times I've cried. The list goes on...we're just wired so differently!

I decided to ask myself a very selfish question. How can I vow to love someone so different from me...forever? Then I thought, isn't that exactly what God has done for us? He has promised to love us forever, and how much different are we from Him? Even though we are created in His image...He is a heavenly being, whose glory would literally blind us. We are lowly humans. He is perfect, spotless. We are filthy sinners. But oh, how He loves us.

Gary Thomas brings up an interesting point in his book Sacred Marriage...

[God lets us choose whom we're going to love. Because we get the choice and then find it difficult to carry out the love in practice, what grounds do we have to ever stop loving? God doesn't command us to get married, He offers it to us as an opportunity. Once we enter the marriage relationship--we cannot love God without loving our spouse as well.]

If I were getting married or not, I would obviously desire to love God. And since I have chosen Walker, I can now learn to love & honor God through loving & honoring Walker. Loving him no matter what differences arise. What a sweet lesson to learn! ...One last quote from Gary Thomas [I cant say enough good things about his book!]...


:::The beauty of Christianity is in learning to love, and few life situations test that so radically as does a marriage.:::

Going.The.Distance.

[Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, and kindles the great.] --Roger de Rabutin

I found this quote when Walker & I first started dating, and it has been on my mind this week, since I seem to be struggling more than usual with the distance between us. As hard as it has been in the past, now that Walker & I are engaged...its even more difficult to be away from eachother than ever!

 The biggest problem is not that we can't see eachother everyday [although I wish we could!], but rather that we literally live two separate lives. This was evident last weekend as we were put in a unique situation that combined both of us, and my friends, and his friends. We had no clue what to do with ourselves! Obviously we communicate constantly, about everything; and sometimes its almost like we're there with eachother. But we have become so used to having our own friends, our own jobs, our own churches, our own responsibilities...when our two different lives emerged, it felt almost...unnatural.

This really scared me. After all, in a mere 9 months our lives will become one. I have no idea what that looks like. I have no idea what it will be like to have the same social life, to operate on the same schedule. It's almost as if our relationship had its own little identity crisis. It has come to work so well as a long distance relationship...what happens when it turns into a no distance relationship?

I am preparing myself for, what I feel like, will be the biggest change--and that is complete exposure. Walker and I are honest with eachother. We don't hide things. But we have never, even with all the honesty we have shared, been involved in every aspect of eachothers lives. Every little part of our lives, of our being, is going to uncover itself. We have seen glimpses of this exposure, but I'm not really sure that is preparation enough.

So how DO I prepare for every little facet of our lives to be exposed? I pray that in the coming months, I can see Walker through God's eyes. After all, Genesis 1:27 says he was created in God's image, as were all of us. I pray I can see his heart, and his motives as God does. I pray that I would think of him first as a priceless creation of God's, a work of art, and then second as a husband.

By seeing Walker through the eyes of God, it won't matter what is exposed once the distance between us is removed. There will be nothing I could discover about Walker that would take away his worth or preciousness. Not to mention, taking on a holier perception of Walker will only make me love him more, it will only make me more honored, more humbled to be his companion in this life.

As the months crawl by...I know the distance will continue to prove a challenge. But I am willing to bet, the more I continue to view Walker through God-colored glasses, the closer he will seem. Even still, I do have to say...thank goodness for Skype!

Bridezilla.Breakdown.

Bridezilla: (n.) A generic term used to describe a difficult, unpleasant, perfectionist bride who leaves aggravated family, friends and bridal vendors in her wake.

Today it happened. My first bridezilla breakdown. And before I go any further with this post, I should mention that it happened nothing like on that Oxygen TV show. There were no thick New Jersey accents or fake rinestoned fingernails involved.

It all started during a phone conversation with my Mother. [Who I doubt is reading this because I'm pretty sure that until a few weeks ago, she thought a blog was a piece of hard candy or something.] Her favorite thing to remind is "Allison this is your day." But I think she usually means to tag on the end of that "...BUT, its my money." Anyways. The point of this blog is not to document the words & actions of my breakdown, but to call myself out on being so shamefully quick to anger.

I think we all have a little Bridezilla in us, even though obviously we aren't all brides. But are not each of us sometimes difficult, unpleasant, perfectionists? Do we not all sometimes leave friends, family, and others around us in our wake of selfishness as we storm off to go find someone else who will listen to our trivial complaints?

Just a thought.

As I sat there realizing how quickly I had just gone from "estatic-blushing-bride-to-be" ...to..."someone-put-this-woman-in-a-straight-jacket"...I got to thinking. How is this in any way honoring God? The one who gave me this supportive family, this wonderful man, this relationship?

Growing up in my youth group, I was fortunate enough to have a Youth Pastor who made it one of his top priorities to instill this concept in me: Everything we do can be an act of worship. Even this stressful time of planning a wedding. I began to pray "God, show me how I can honor You in this process. Show me how to worship You in my wedding planning." After all...its not really my day. June 25, 2011 will be a day that the Lord will make. And we will rejoice and be glad in it. It will be His day.

These next 9 months can be a worship experience. I can honor God by the way I treat my family, my bridal party, my florist. I can honor God by keeping up with my school work as I plan this wedding. I can worship God by daily praising Him for the gift of relationships & love.

After this realization, slowly, the Bridezilla began to turn back into a Bride. A Bride who will undoubtably face more challenges, and probably a few breakdowns, in the future; but will strive to tackle them with a heart of worship.

A.Constant.Courtship.

This weekend has come & gone so quickly that it has left my head spinning! Wasn't it just Friday? Geez! On Friday and Saturday, Walker & I had the chance visit our recently married friends Nathan & Brittany Blake, who live near Campbell University. Nathan & Walker are childhood friends...so whenever the two get together, there is ::never:: a dull moment! We had a great time catching up with them, picking their brains with questions about wedding planning, and playing with their precious westie pup, Khloe! Thanks Nathan & Brittany for your sweet hospitality...we love you guys!

Amidst the relaxation & fun, my lesson in humility was continuing. Through a series of events that have played out in my family during recent months, I am realizing how unrelenting Christ is in His attempts to gain FULL control in all areas of our lives. I was always taught in Sunday School that God is not satisfied with partial control; and that is true. But what I personally struggle with as of late, is giving God consistant control.

I began to imagine...what if God were inconsistant in His pursuit for us? What if there were seasons where He decided He'd just rather not try for our love, He would rather not give up His time to seek after us? THEN, I began to imagine...what if Walker were inconsistant in his pursuit for me? What if there were days where he just decided he didn't care?...About knowing me, loving me, providing for me.

These thoughts led me to conclude: One of  the best characteristics I can glean from Christ, is the consistancy of His pursuit. If I could seek after my husband with half of the genuineness & ferver that God uses to seek after His children, I will be doing my husband & my marriage a great service. I can't get over the intensity that God uses in His searching for my devotion and control. May Walker court me, and I him, just as passionately & energetically as the day we began dating. May I never stop wanting to know more about him. May I never end my quest to serve & love him the way Christ loves me. 

What a humbling thought to realize just how constant God; the most powerful and beautiful being in the universe, is in His efforts to love us. To show us grace and mercy. To offer us peace. He never lets up! And what joy & humility that brings me. Where would I be without the constant pursuit of Christ for my heart? Now may I return the favor, and pursue His.


[You won't relent until You have it all.
My heart is Yours.]

Liberty.In.Humility.

I, by my own admission, would normally not be caught dead reading for leisure. However, upon getting engaged, a friend who is recently married reccomended I pick up a copy of Gary Thomas's Scared Marriage. Since buying the book last weekend, you would think I was Belle, in her sleepy little village with her nose stuck in a book [minus the apron & middle parted hair, of course]. I simply cannot put it down! The book poses this main question: What if God designed marriage to make us holy, more than to make us happy?

I was going to wait until I finished reading the book to blog about it; but my own spiritual growth & my relationship with Walker & this book have all met at such an insightful intersection, that I can think of nothing else tonight!

Last night Walker & I got to talking about the things we have been spiritually struggling with lately. Humility. Topped both our lists. Our prideful spirits have manifested themselves differently in our separate lives, but there was still something so refreshing about our honesty with one another. To expose our sin to the other, and identify with that sin, was so unifying.

God has recently started to reveal to me that with humility, comes such sweet, unchaining liberty. Freedom. Release. When I live humbly, I am free to love people more. I am free to seek God further & with more energy. I am free to dismiss my shallow judgements of people. I am free to listen. I am free to learn & grow.

In Gary Thomas's book, he quotes Dr. John Barger about the similarities between a man's humble relationship with his wife, and a Christian's humble relationship with his God.

[We (men) cannot successfully demand the love of a woman, or the love of God. We have to wait. And just as a woman's heart is melted when she encounters in us weakness accompanied by our humble admission of it, so God's heart is melted and He is most tender and gracious to us when He encounters in us weakness accompanied by our humble admission of it.]

The way God has chosen to teach me this lesson in humility through my relationship with Walker, & my preparation for marriage, has truly been...well, humbling. I can think of no better time to be reminded of the importance of humility, and the liberty that comes with it, than right now. Now, during these months before my wedding when I am preparing to sacrifice my own needs for those of my husband. Now, when I desire the complete freedom to glorify God more, by loving & living humbly.

June.25th.2011

I am SO thrilled to finally announce, officially, that I will become Allison Brown on June 25, 2011.

Finding a venue, and thereby securing a date, proved to be more of a challenge than I had originally thought, but we finally found the perfect place that fit our budget. More than that, we found a location that provides the perfect atmosphere for what I've invisioned on our special day. The venue we've chosen is beautiful! Overlooking a small lake near my hometown, and options for inside dining & outside dancing, it is the perfect balance of simplicity and charm.

I've chosen yellow & gray as my color scheme. [is it obvious?!] I had thought about so many different combinations, but in the end I knew I would regret not having yellow in my wedding for the simple, albeit juvenile, reason that it is my absolute favorite color in the whole entire world! As for choosing the color gray, let me just observe that whoever said "gray is the new black" seriously knew what they were talking about! It is perfect! I wanted something clean & classy, but not as heavy and formal as black. Once I saw this combo of cheerful yellow & simple gray; it was love at first sight!

A weight has definitely been lifted off my shoulders today now that we officially have a date & venue. And I know this blog may seem a bit contradictory after my "the-wedding-holds-no-importance-its-all-about-the-marriage" post...BUT, what do you expect? I'm a girl! Its practically embedded in my DNA to think about things like this! I am definitely being intentional about preparing my heart for the challenges of a new marriage, but in doing that, I would hate to become numb to all the simple, girly enjoyment that this process has to offer! Now excuse me while I let out a shriek of excitement and practice writing Mrs. Walker Brown all over my notes. :)

A little something to get my creative juices flowing!

Tilling.The.Soul.

What a weekend! My family & I officially began the planning process...and to my surprise, I got a lot more stressed out than I ever intended to! Things that had only been ideas or opinions, began to take shape as actual concepts of my Big Day. I had a lovely vision in my head of everything falling together perfectly, like a Taylor Swift music video. But that is not how it works at all. There are budgets. And Mothers. And guest lists that are 100 people too long. After a while...everything began to take the shape of one. big. dollar sign.

Cha-ching.

Needless to say, I felt myself grow a bit discouraged as the weekend went on. I felt almost guilty in a way, that I could feel anything but pure excitement and bliss during this time. Until that point, I had held tight to the mindset that there was no way the trivial details of my wedding would get in the way of my spiritual and emotional preparation for my marriage. Thankfully, I stumbled upon this quote to help me regain my mental bearings.

[A wedding is not a marriage. A wedding is only the beginning of an undertaking that may or may not, someday, develop into a marriage. What the couple have on their wedding day is not the key to a beautiful garden, but just a vacant lot and a few gardening tools. --David & Vera Mace]

My thoughts, my prayers, my energy...should all really be directed towards what will happen in the days and years after our wedding. After all, I've never had a garden but I am willing to bet that it is the tilling of the soil, the planting and watering of the seeds, the patience required to watch things grow...that require the most work & attention. My prayer is that I may begin tilling my soul. To prepare my heart for lots of new, exciting, & challenging things, to take root. I know I am bound to become discouraged again...but as for tonight, I have found renewed strength & encouragement; strength to keep my thoughts from the things that don't really matter, and encouragement to prepare my heart for the things that really do.

The.Worth.in.Waiting.

"Before a girl's turn came to go in to King Xerxes, she had to complete twelve months of beauty treatments prescribed for the women, six months with oil of myrrh and six with perfumes and cosmetics. And this is how she would go to the king..." Esther 2:12-13

As I am waiting to become Walkers wife, I am reminded of the time Esther spent in waiting before she could go before King Xerxes. Imagine...an entire year set aside to become all you can be for the man you love. Obviously, being a full time student as I plan this wedding, I do not have the time to set aside 12 months to undergo extensive beauty treatments or take etiquette classes. But I do have time to alter my thought process. I do have the time to begin thinking of this engagement period as a time of cultivating versus a time of simply waiting. A time to cultivate the virtues of a Godly woman. A time of preparing myself to be a wife, and eventually a mother. A time to complete my ministry as a single woman, and pray about what God would lead Walker and I to do as we begin our ministry together.

It would break my heart to look back on these 9 months, after I am years married and well-established, and have to face the fact that I did not recognize these moments for what they were. That I didn't use them learn, and grow, and become a better woman for my husband. Charo Washer has this to say in regards to time spent as a woman waiting on marriage:

[It is a wonderful thing when God blesses a woman with a husband. That special someone who is just perfect for her in that he has been carefully and thoughtfully designed by God to be united as one with her. It is such a joy for the woman to look back and remember how God enabled her to wait on Him and that He was faithful to bless. It is still an even greater joy for her to know that her time as a single woman was also a time of seeking God and being faithful to Him and His purpose. That she did not for one moment wish to flee that state, but desired only to trust in God and wait upon His gracious sovereignty.]

So while I am so extremely excited to become Mrs. Walker Brown, it is my hearts biggest desire that I don't allow myself to just sit here and watch it all happen; that I don't get so consumed in wedding gowns & bridal showers that I forget all that God could be doing through me at this special time, if I would only allow it. May I be a Bride-to-Be that cultivates, not simply waits.

Our.Engagement.Story

I wanted to take a few minutes to document our engagement story...not that I would ever forget it! Sometimes though, I have a tendency to think about things so often that the details begin to blur. So here is my side of the story. [I say "my side" as if Walker will eventually add "his side" of the story, but lets be honest, this isn't quite his thing. However, he did just start his own blog! Check it out here.]

The weekend of our engagement had been months in the making, and I had no idea! I had planned to travel to Mars Hill for the weekend, and upon my arrival Walker and I headed off to downtown Asheville [where I have been begging to go!] to eat dinner at Wasabi, a great Japanese restaurant. Dinner was wonderful, and it had been almost 3 weeks since our last visit, so just being in eachothers company was more than enough for me! Little did I know what coming next...

During our meal, Walker kept implying that he was ready to go, regardless of the fact that my plate was still half-filled with food! I could sense something was up, but couldn't quite put my finger on it. So when he mentioned "Part 2" of our date, my thoughts began to wander...there was no telling where we were headed.

We drove back from Asheville and into Mars Hill, and straight to the chapel on campus. [A bit of our history as a couple: the Mars Hill Chapel is a really neat part of our relationship. When we first became friends on InVision in the Summer of 2008, we spent countless hours talking in the chapel, and it is where our friendship really rooted itself. It has been our place ever since!] At this point it was about 9:45pm and I was sure it would be locked. Of course it wasn't, and Walker took me by the hand as we walked down the center aisle of the chapel. At this point, my head began to s p i n. He went on to say so many wonderful & romantic things that I dont think either one of us remember...but it was all so lovely! With my left hand still in his, he dropped down to one knee and pulled the ring out of his pocket. He asked me to marry him and I immediately said Y E S...about 60 times! I kept asking "Is this real? Is all of this real?" I couldn't believe it! It still feels like a dream, and even just typing this, overwhelms me with joy.

A really neat component to our story; Walker proposed on the evening of his parents wedding anniversary! We love that, and we are so lucky to have Tony & Vonda's marriage as an example for our own!

We sat together in the chapel for a little while, talking and sharing in all the excitment, when suddenly these two Mars Hill students open the door to the chapel. Walker nor I had no clue who these girls were, but I screamed out "We just got engaged!!" And we all 4 shared a sweet hug! Those were the first two people we "officially" told, and they will forever be a part of our story. :)

Once we left the chapel we went back to Walkers apartment. His roommates, along with some other amazing Mars Hill friends *who had known all along!* had prepared a celebration for us complete with sparkling grape juice, a cookie cake, & bridal magazines! It was adorable, and the perfect end to a p e r f e c t evening!

E N G A G E D !

The RING! It is absolutely PERFECT!