Love.Is.Patient.

Patience is a virtue that any newlywed must undoubtedly acquire--or so I've heard. This has proven to be a struggle for me at times, but thankfully I came across a great book that gives me a new and refreshing outlook on what patience really is, and why it is so important.

Life on the Vine; Cultivating the Fruit of the Spirit, by Phillip Kenneson has been a God-send for me. It devotes one chapter to each virtue, and the author approaches the subjects from a new and interesting angle, while still keeping it biblical. The book doesn't relay its lesson's to engagement or marriage--that part is up to me, but its not difficult to see their relevance to mine and Walker's preparation. In his book, Kenneson makes the observation that without patience; peace and forgiveness become difficult...and sometimes impossible. He writes:

"Patience is a necessary prerequisite for establishing peace. One's willingness to be wronged, to absorb evil patiently without retaliating, helps to break the cycle of vengeance and opens up the possibility for healing and peace. Hence, though forgiveness is a constitutive practice of peace, forgiveness is unimaginable apart from patience."

I began to imagine my marriage with Walker without forgiveness and peace. I didn't like what I saw. Then I let my mind wander to what my relationship with God would be like without forgiveness and peace. The thought was truly scary enough to make me want to cry. One of the most endearing qualities of the God I worship is His willingness to forgive, and to provide peace. Both of those things stem from the fact that He is "slow to anger." [Numbers 14:18]

This is probably the one quality of Christ I would most like to adopt at this point in my life. For planning such a joyous event, there sure are lots of ways to get angry while planning a wedding. Guest lists that are too big. Budgets that are too small. Endless searches for yellow high heels [anyone know where I could find an adorable pair for an affordable price?]. There are so many little things that I find myself losing patience with. And if I can't learn to be patient while planning this wedding, how can I expect patience out of myself when I'm in the throws of my marriage?

Over the next few days I want to better understand the virtue of patience, and how it allows room for peace and forgiveness. I want to praise God for the patience and mercy He offers me, and learn from Him how to better exercise patience with others. When I am married, there will be days where my patience will surely be tested--so may I use this time to strengthen it. I would love to become a bride-to-be who has the ability to patiently wait; on her husband, on others, and on God.

::::Brothers and sisters, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.::::   --James 5:10-11

Joy.In.Simplicity.

I fear I have become "that" blogger. The one who starts a blog and writes in it religiously for a month or two and then moves onto the next impulsive phase of life. I promised myself this wouldn't happen...so I refuse to let it. I am back & ready to blog...regularly!

I have come to use this blog sort of as electronic accountability. As a general rule...the more I'm writing=the more I'm growing. Posting helps me process what I'm learning, and allows me to reference back to these times of growth, in detail. Even after only a few months, to look back over these beginning trials & triumphs has been so helpful in the spiritual preparation for my marriage. Over Thanksgiving Break I was faced with several trials as a bride-to-be. But one challenge has stuck out: Finding joy in simplicity.

During this detailed process of planning a wedding, it is truly my heart's desire to find happiness in every step. Our society has made wedding planning expensive, and extensive. There are tons of ways to spend tons of money, and while there are ways to save--they are far less glorified than opportunities to overspend. I want to take steps to simplify my wedding & find the joy that comes in wisely using resources, and adding my own personal touch to certain elements of our special day.

As I simplify my wedding, I am challenged to simplify my life in general. I would love in the coming weeks to "de-clutter" my heart. I believe that Christ sees value in the simple. He appreciated Mary, and her simple act of worship as she sat at His feet while Martha remained consumed with life's busyness. He valued simple obedience from His disciples, and used simple parables to convey mighty truths. Furthermore, as Christmas approaches, I notice the simple way He entered the world. But how joyous was that day. What is that song we sing each year? Oh yes...

JOY to the world.

I pray that I may recognize what brings Christ joy, and that would in turn bring me joy. May I use the next 7 months to recognize happiness in simplicity. I want to simply love God, and simply love Walker, and simply love others. May my heart become less cluttered with the whims & wishes of society, and more stripped down so it may see the value of  grace and love. May Walker and I both experience the true, freeing, contagious joy that is found in simply living, and simply loving...as we plan our wedding, and as we live out our lives together has husband and wife.

Ecclesiastes.Three.One.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."

As I previously blogged about, I have been experiencing a season of bluriness over the past few weeks. One thing that is not blurry, however, are the colors of Fall here in Greenville, North Carolina. I've lived here 4 years...and never have I seen colors this vibrant! The apartment complex I live in is nestled in a quaint wooded area...providing lots of trees + their lovely changing leaves. This week they've peaked, and it is like living in a Fall wonderland! Today was a beautiful day so I took the opportunity to snap a few pictures. Here are some of my favorites::

"But I miss you most of all my darling,

when autumn leaves start to fall."

--Nat King Cole.

Birthdays.Beth Moore.&Blurriness.

Highlights from the last 11 days of my life::

• I turned 22! And before you ask...nope, I don't feel any older. My birthday was low-key, but included all the elements I could have asked for. Friends, family, & fiance'. I had a great time relaxing & celebrating. Favorite gift: A new Bible from Walker! Thanks dear!
• My baby sister got her first college acceptance letter. Next Fall she'll be a lil UNC-G Spartan! This made me feel old more than turning 22 did. I am so proud! Christmas wish-list: A Spartan hoodie to show my support!
• I cleaned & cut a whole chicken! [With a little help from my Dad & sweet Grandma.] I learned: that chickens get black heads [ew.] and gizzards are nasty.
• I participated in my first Beth Moore Bible Study, ever. How did I go 22 years without? I have no idea. She is lovely. I did her Measureless Love study with 19 other girls on our BCM Women's Retreat. It.was.a.blast. Everything you hear about how women act when men aren't around...is absolutely true. I am so thankful for the laughter & joy those girls bring me!
• I came across this video. The story of Jonah according to the most adorable 5 year old I have ever seen. [Its actually extremely accurate!] I know its over 7 minutes long...but if you have the time, watch it. That sweet girl will warm your heart + its a great reminder of the truths found in the story of Jonah.
• I bought the new Dave Barnes CD! Merry [early] Christmas to me! The album was purchased in preparation to see Dave LIVE on December 1st in Raleigh!
• I got caught texting while driving. Never. Again. Thankfully the policeman let me go without a ticket. But not without a glaring look of disapproval and shame...which is worse than a ticket for me.
• I caught a killer cold. Did I say killer? k i l l e r. I've been downing NyQuil like Gatorade.

Notice nothing on that list included wedding planning. I've been so busy with other stuff that, so far this month, all things wedding have been pushed to the back burner. However, this weekend I indulged myself and bought the new issue of The Knot [I say "indulge" because that sucker was $9.99!! Robbery.] But the mag is chock full of great inspiration & ideas that have sparked my motivation to keep planning.

In all the aforementioned busyness, I have been experiencing some spiritual blurriness. Meaning, I am seeing God at work in my heart & around me, but it's not all clear. I can't seem to discern exactly what He wants from me, or what my next move should be. And, to make matters worse, I'm so seemingly busy that I'm convincing myself I don't have the time to sort out matters of my heart. Thankfully God gracious & patient with me. I'm learning truths about contentment, and control...yet I still don't fully grasp those concepts. They're still a bit...well, blurry. 

You see, I'm a lover of all things black & white. In fashion, photography, television...and apparently in my spiritual life. Shades of gray leave me confused and to be honest, a bit frightened. I have always thought of myself as the kind of Christian who understood and accepted that "His ways were higher than my ways" [Isaiah 55:9]...but now that I am experiencing this season in my life where not everything is black & white just how I like it, I am growing frustrated.

I am learning to be thankful for these areas in my life that seem unclear, or unfinished. There is so much to glean from times of confusion, these moments of blurriness. God's word assures me that He is not in the business of leaving things undone...

"...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." -Philippians 1:6

It is my prayer that I will begin embracing the blurriness of the coming weeks, and learn to love a little gray...after all, over the next 7 months, I'm going to be seeing a lot of it! Gray & yellow are the new black & white. At least in this season of my life!

Inspiration.vs.Fixation.

After discovering how supposedly behind I was on my wedding planning earlier this week...I have gone from thinking about wedding plans every other day or so, to letting it consume my thoughts 24/7. Wedding websites like oncewed & 100layercake that I used to visit once or twice a week...I now leave up and click refresh every 4 seconds.

I love those websites. I love looking for inspiration and finding ideas that I can turn into my own. But my obsession with inspiration is beginning to cause a problem. This may sound odd...but I find myself lusting after other peoples weddings. I think I'm so secure in the decisions I'm making. My dress. My venue. My colors. But then I see these pictures and I think "How could I not have thought of that?" or "Their venue is so much better than mine!" 

I'm cheating on my own wedding plans!

This startling discovery has taught me a lot about contentment. I thought back to a time before I was dating Walker, and how it took me being completely content in my singleness, to realize the true spiritual value of a relationship. And when I began that relationship, it took complete contentment in who I was through Christ, and who my partner was through Christ, to create a relationship that would honor Him.

You would think that since I'm the one making all these decisions...that it would be easy to be content with them. But I'm starting to be deceived by thinking that if I lived somewhere else, or had more money, or more creativity, then I would have a "better" wedding. Thankfully...God is faithful to remind me that "cute DIY ideas & vintage decorations do not a marriage make." Let me not lose sight of what is really being planned during these months. Walker & I are preparing for a marriage, a life together. Not simply a wedding.

I am so thankful that Christ has allowed me to catch myself in my "affair." May I now return to the healthy hobby of browsing for inspiration. Checking websites & flipping through bridal magazines is a guilty pleasure made especially for the bride-to-be, and I would hate to miss out on the fun! But I pray that I would return to a place of contentment as I continue to plan my Big Day. I pray that I would know the line between inspiration & fixation, and that I wouldn't dare cross it again...

Trials.&.Triumphs.

At last! Time to sit in the quietness of an empty apartment and blog. Writing these entries has really become therapeutic for me. It's a great way to help me minimize my stress levels, and really figure out what's going on in this engaged head of mine. Speaking of stress levels...mine were impressively low until yesterday, when I created that darn wedding website.

Theknot.com does this [seemingly] cute little thing where they give you a check list that tells you everything you should have done by the end of each month leading up to your wedding. Today I discovered I have 342 items left to complete. 54 of those are classified as "overdue." 342 items?! If I chose one task per day to complete, I would finish the check list 108 days AFTER my wedding. And what good would that do me?

I'm stressing myself out all over again just typing this post.

After seeing all those numbers, I was feeling way behind, and way defeated. I felt like, if this is my own wedding, how am I letting it slip so out of my control? I mean, 54 "overdue" items? I thought I was right on track! Walker says theknot.com is just over excessive in what they expect of brides, and that there couldn't possibly be that many things to be behind on. I hope he's right.

My blog's subtitle reads "trials & triumphs of a bride-to-be." The stress put on me by that silly little check list has definitely been a trial for me. Our society has formed its own ideas about what weddings should be, and how they should be planned. Balancing those ideas--and my own unique ideas about planning this day, and what it should symbolize...is quite a task.

Thankfully, where God provided a trial--He also provided a triumph. Something I really struggle with in my relationship with Walker is patience. Sometimes its hard for me to be patient while I tag along to his church events, fundraiser lunches, choir rehearsals, and youth lock-ins. I get caught up in believing that just because I've driven 5.5 hours to see him, that all his time should be devoted to me.

As I've already written about, this past weekend I knew way ahead of time that my visit to Walkers would be jam packed with his work-related activities. I immediately began praying for patience, and that God would change my heart. I know that me growing impatient with Walker's obligations is nothing more than me serving a false god of selfishness. Over the weekend, I saw God answer my prayers in the most wonderful way. I saw Him equip me with patience and humility, which allowed me to serve both Him and Walker with genuine positivity and energy.

This made our weekend together SO much more enjoyable. I was able to identify with Walker and some of his sources of stress, and joy. And it made me that much more excited to marry Walker and take on his ministry with the Weaverville youth as my own. Experiencing a trial and a triumph so close together has proved the grace and provision of Christ, and I am so grateful to walk near to Him through this time of transition. I know one thing I can continually check off my planning list. Grow closer to my Creator during engagement: check.

An[other].Update.

Fall has [finally] arrived in Greenville! Its freezing outside & my sinuses are hating it, but the leaves are lovely! This weekend was great, except for the fact that I completely forgot to take pictures, of anything! You see, my life has become so lame that the only time I ever do things exciting enough to document through pictures, is when I visit Walker. And since I dont do that daily, its hard for me to get in the habit of pulling my camera out. Plus, I think Walks kind of finds it obnoxious when I cross into shutterbug mode. BUT someone did snap a few pics of us dressed as Johnny & June...so I'll try to get my hands on those and post one asap.

I'm preparing to send out our save-the-dates shortly after Thanksgiving, and I realized that these days its the thing to do to put your wedding website on your s-t-d. [I think from now on I'll just type out save-the-date, versus suggestivly abbreviating it...oops!] It occured to me that we do not have a wedding website. So I set out to make one. Luckily theknot.com makes it pretty simple. It still needs some work, but you can find it here. The internet around my quaint lil apartment complex is making it difficult to upload photos to the "pictures" tab...but I'll get em up somehow!

Now. As for blogging about more than just petty planning updates...
Tonight I am bogged down with homework & I don't have the time to post a well thought out blog entry. But I've carved out time over the next few days to sit down and figure out where I am mentally + spiritually this week. [Is scatter-brained a place to be?!] I'll be back tomorrow after some sleep & prayer.

Actually I will say just this one thing: Tomorrow makes 2 months since the day Walker proposed to me. And let me shout it out [err, type it out in caps...]: BEING ENGAGED TO WALKER ROCKS! :)

PS: I don't really know what I did or how I did it...but there are now these little boxes at the bottom of any post and you can check one. If you want. But you don't have to. I don't know how many people read this blog, or who you are, or why you read it. But thank you. You are an encouragement and I can't even see your face. Isn't the blog world beautiful?