Passing.Understanding.

Can't sleep.

But that was to be expected.

It's nearly 2am. So I give you fair warning that this post may & probably will contain a few grammatical errors. And it could very possibly not make one bit of cents.

Okay. I did that one on purpose. Not that tired.

Or am eye?

Wow. Sorry. Back to my deepest darkest feelings about getting married in 2.5 days.

Things are c r a z y round here. I am doing something related to my wedding every minute of the day. Really I am. And it took a while, but I've spurred myself into this cycle of productivity...where I finish one thing, and it makes me really want to finish something else, which makes me really, really want to finish something else...you get the idea. It works and its all lovely. Except for every 3 hours or so, my stress levels spike and I decide we should elope.

Then I drink a Diet Coke and get back to work.

I did take a break from wedding work though tonight, to have one last phone date with Walker! I'm sure it won't be the very last one we will ever have...but for now, we can officially say we are .d.o.n.e. with long-distance love! No more travel size shampoo bottles. No more living out of suitcases every other weekend. No more making mix CD's to listen to on the 5.5 hour drive. And no more phone dates! Its kind of bittersweet...because our whole relationship began with one sweet phone date. But speak for the both of us when I say that our hearts are way more responsive to some face-to-face chatting. It will be such a joy to spend time together at the end of our days--in the flesh!

Tonight Walker and I were discussing that even though things are so hectic right now, we both feel such a peace about things. The kind we can't fully put into words. The kind that passes all understanding. The kind that doesn't make sense apart from its Giver. Experiencing God's perfect peace during the midst of this chaos and craziness is a big big blessing, because it has been my prayer that I would see only Christ & His goodness during the final days of this journey. And one thing I've learned, is that His Peace comes in His presence. God is here inside this stressful week with me, and He is so active. To feel him working through the gift of perfect peace is just what I need to keep me pressing on.

During these days when I am trying to recognize everything, I welcome this peace that is unrecognizable and out of place. A peace that is passing my understanding.

Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. --Philippians 4:7 [The Message]

Devil's.in.the.Details.

Less than 1 week.

I am feeling excited & anxious & stressed & relaxed & happy & nervous all at the same time.

What is wrong with me?

I would try to figure that out, but I don't have time. Too busy with all these last minute details! Thats my big issue as I head into my final week as Allison Duke. The details. All those [little things] that I once vowed to fall head-over-heels in love with, all those [personal touches] that I just had to include....are now the things taking up most all my time & energy.

As my Grandma says, "the Devil's in the details!" And she is right! I can feel my heart growing stressed and sometimes discouraged with all these little things I must finish, even in the midst of such an exciting and eventful time! So my prayer as this week begins is that I would be granted a peace of mind that only Christ can give. Not only that, but an attitude of humility & grace as I work closely with so many wonderful people to make my big day go as planned.

I pray for patience, and strength, and energy. But perhaps above all these things, I pray that I may see only Christ through all of this. I pray that the Devil who has been hanging out in all my details, would vanish. And in his place, may I see the provision and the great love of Christ.

Thank you to all who are praying/have been praying along with me. I feel encouraged, and energized to take on the week! Most of Walker's family has already come into town from Missouri! And my family should start arriving around Tuesday. I am looking forward to all the last minute excitement, and I can't wait to see my friends & family who have come from near & far. Bring on the next 6 days! Even the details! I can't wait!

Enough.

How I have looked forward to this night! Time to relax & let my heart breathe a little. My mind and my heart have been pretty cluttered places lately, and I am welcoming with open arms the chance to just sit in the quiet and sort a few things out.

Of all the thoughts flying through my head these days, there are a few I can't seem to shake.

I wonder if I will love Walker enough?

Which becomes...will he love me enough?

And, the way we feel right now--will it always be this way?

No. But then again, yes? I have come to realize that I simply can't love Walker enough. And he can't love me enough. And we probably won't always feel this way. This way...is the way of dating to "I do" in 2 years. This way is already rampant with me making mistakes. And him making mistakes. And us making mistakes. This way is filled with stumbles & falls.

However.

This way is also filled with apologies and forgiveness and humility. It pours out grace and mercy. We cannot love each other enough. There will always be a way we can love more. A way we can serve more. But God, who has given us the blessing of this relationship, and fashioned both of our hearts, He loves us exactly enough.

Throughout the Bible, God uses His relationship with the church as a model for marriage. And what a mighty, perfect love He shows us. What kind of compassion and selflessness and humility and strength does this love require? How can Walker & I ever even come close to the way our Savior loves us?

Thankfully, I am reminded that embracing this model does not mean that we will get it right. Embracing this model means we will do so by faith & in prayer. That our God will be quick to reach down and help us as we stumble through the days of our new life together.

Embracing this model means that we will rely on grace & humility & forgiveness. Again. And again. And again.

How can I reflect the love of Jesus to my husband? And how can we as a couple reflect His love to our community and our world? I don't really know yet. But I know that God knows. And only by seeking His will for our marriage and our lives, can we ever hope to love enough.

To be enough.

Seventeen.Days.

Two weeks since my last post. Yikes...sorry! Here's whats up with just 17 days to go before our wedding!:::

Things are incredibly busy around here, and I would love to tell you that I'm coping wonderfully with all the last minute details, but sadly I am a bit of a mess. Its kind of an hour to hour thing. One minute I have myself together, the next I have to check and make sure my head is still attatched to my neck.

Lets start with a few not-so-fun updates first. 1) We have some serious program problems. I'll spare the details, but just know that its really frustrating and its possible that on June 25th, if you're a guest at our wedding, you may just get a program written down on a napkin. [Just kidding! But seriously.] 2) I got super sunburned today by accident. Like, Red Lobster sunburned. And now I'm scared that I'm going to be peeling on my wedding day. TMI? Possibly. Moving on. 3) I miss Walker. This is probably the hardest part of all of this. Quality Time is Love Language #1 for both of us. And March was the last time we had some real quality time together. Time to just be alone and watch King of Queens and make dinner. Time to talk about life outside of this wedding. Time to be in the quiet company of eachother and give our relationship the prayer, attention, and TLC it needs. And that has been super hard on both of us. I can't tell you how much we look foward to our wedding day, but almost more so, how much we look forward to just being around eachother again.

Now for some exciting updates: 1) We have moved all our stuff into the new place! And we absolutely adore it! We will move in right after the honeymoon and cannot wait! I'll get some pictures up eventually too. :) 2) I had my bridal portraits done and I absolutely adore those too! I won't give too much away but I can tell you that my session involved grass stains [had to get my dress cleaned to the tune of $130....yuck!], lots of YELLOW, and a few spiders. I am very happy with the results and it was so fun to hang out in my wedding dress for longer than 10 minutes! 3) My Bachelorette Party is this weekend! Looking forward to seeing all my girlfriends & relaxing in the sun!

While this has become a season of stress in my life, I am feeling beyond grateful for the support of my family & friends, and I feel myself continuing to grow even in these last few weeks of my engagement journey. I will hopefully have time to blog more tomorrow about some things I've been learning & reflecting on. But for now...back to trying to solve our obnoxious program problem!

One.Month.

Bridal confession: When I was little 17, I loved the short-lived Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen TV show "So Little Time." Naturally, my love for the show has since waned...but I still have a special place in my heart for it's theme song, So Little Time by Arkana.

With one.month. left to go before our Big Day...the phrase "so little time, so much to do" fits life to a :::T::: around here. I spent lots of time today frantically making a list of all the things I had told myself didn't need to be addressed until a month before the wedding...and even more time mulling over the lengthy list trying to figure out how + where to begin.

The stress & anxiousness that I have tried so hard to keep at bay have reached an all time high...but at the same time, so has all of my excitement & joy. It really is a very odd place to be. On one hand, I am itching for the day to come and go already so we can all return to life without the constant talk of showers & flowers...and on the other...I am begging time to slow down so I can make the most of this special time in my life.

I am praying tonight that my conflicting feelings would call a truce inside my heart, and that I would feel the peace that only Christ can bring during this time. I know there are lots of you readers who know the crazy combination of stress + excitement + anxiousness + joy + fear that can only come about when planning a wedding. How did  you cope? Any advice?

Heading to bed with a heavy but happy heart tonight. Hoping for renewed energy in the morning to get things done! Planning to blog again this week about exciting things including::: bridal portraits, a bit of decorating progress, & a special lesson God is beginning to teach me.

Oh yeah...and a special thanks to all the loyal readers + followers who offer sweet support & encouragement. Starting this blog has been a great experience for me, and it means a lot that you take the time to read it. Thank you x a million!

The.Truth.About.Zumba.

"It's so easy!"

"You just dance around!"

"Nobody watches you!"

"It doesn't matter what you look like!"

"Anybody can do it!"

All of the above are statements about Zumba. Statements that, until Wednesday night, I had believed to be true. But I am here to tell you, excuse me, to warn you, that these are all myths. Legends. Tall tales. Spoken from the mouths of ridiculously in shape & gorgeous soccer moms. Kind of depressing, right? But don't worry! I am here to tell you the truth about Zumba. The good. The bad. And the profusely sweaty.

TRUTH #1: The instructors are not real people. I mean, unless Rapunzel Barbie in life size form counts as a real person? Because that's pretty much what you're dealing with when you look at my Zumba instructor. She weighs about 100 lbs. soaking wet. And she has long blonde hair that I bet was styled by Ken Paves. She doesn't put it up either, her gorgeous hair. She just lets it all whip back & forth. For an hour. And somehow it gets no tangles in it. [Are you beginning to see how she can not be real...?] In addition to her tangle free hair, one can't help but notice her sweat free brow. Not a drop y'all! I on the other hand, sweat enough to fill up a kiddie pool. Yikes. I don't know what they are. Or where they come from. But I am almost completely certain that Zumba instructors are not real life humans.

I keep capitalizing Zumba...is that right? It's a proper noun, right? I'll keep doing it.

Moving on.

TRUTH #2: The songs are not real songs. This one is hard to believe. Because when the track starts...the song is going to sound normal. You're going to hear the first few measures of Cee Lo Green's Forget You, and you're going to feel a very warm and fuzzy feeling of familiarness. Then you're going to be slapped in the sweat-drenched face by a r-r-r-remix. But not just any remix. A Zumba [or zumba. Whatever.] remix. A few characteristics to look for in a Zumba remix::: 1) Hyper-speed beats that are impossible to keep up with. 2) The word "Zumba" hollered randomly throughout the whole thing. 3) Zumba remix songs last approximately 12 minutes longer than the average tune. So if you've heard the same chorus more than 4 times in a row, it's probably a ZR.

TRUTH #3: Grown men take Zumba classes. And you have no idea how ridiculous they look. I'm just going to be honest right now, and maybe the fact that I'm doing this over the web & not to some one's face has made me more fearless. But if you are a grown man, and you are in our Zumba class, there is a very, very good chance that my friend Alyssa and I will talk about you afterwards. Not all bad things! Because some of y'all got moves! And if you are with your wife, its a little bit sweet. But still. You look kind of silly. Men just aren't natural Zumbers. Neither are folks over the age of 65. Which brings me to my next point.

TRUTH #4: Grandmas take Zumba classes. Now. Half of me wants to give these women a huge high five. Because I can only hope that when I'm their age, I am that passionate about staying healthy. But another part of me wants to sit them down in the nearest rocking chair before they fracture a hip. The aforementioned hyper-speed of a Zumba remix waits for no one. And a gal's limbs can get seriously tangled up in all those step-together-touches! But I will say that the grannys provide lots of entertainment since they usually show up in sweet white-haired flocks. I should warn you though. They don't really know what sports bras are.

TRUTH #5: Zumba is fun. What? Who is typing this? It's me. Same girl. But I mean it! Zumba really is fun! After you sort through your inner jealousy issues with Rapunzel Barbie [I secretly pray that she'll one day get a tangle. Or a zit. Anything mildly unfortunate, but temporary.], and learn not to care what people [including men & grandmothers] around you are thinking...Zumba.is.fun. It's a great workout, and it goes by a billion times faster than time on a treadmill or elliptical machine!

So there you have it. The cold hard Zumba truth. As you can see, its early in the game for me and I have a love/hate relationship with all of this. But who knows! Maybe I'll keep it up, and one day I'll be a Gramba! A Zumba-ing grandma, that is. :)

Current.Events.

I've been one busy bride-to-be since my last post! Here is a bit of what I've been up to:::

• I worked my last day as J + W's nanny! For those who don't know, I've worked as a nanny for the sweetest family in Winterville for the last 2.5 years. It's been basically the perfect job for a college student, and I am going to miss seeing my lil fella's faces everyday! So far it has felt very odd having my afternoons wide open. And around 3pm I completely freak out inside my head thinking I should be in the carpool line. Thanks to Scott & Sally + their boys for taking such good care of me! Love you guys! [Although I haven't seen the last of them...lil Wil is going to be our ring bearer in June!]
• I'm all moved out of my apartment in Greenville & back home for the next 6 weeks! Special thanks to the sweet ladies who came up for the day on Monday to help me clean & pack. Lord knows it was no easy task! :) Excited to be home with unlimited access to Pippa's closet & lots of free time to work on all things wedding + lay by the pool.
• Speaking of all things wedding:::Invitations are officially in the mail! But we are left with 24 extra invitations.32 extra RSVP cards.and 34 extra guest information cards. Which just doesn't add up!  I've been losing sleep this week, wondering who is without a component. Oh well, I guess there is nothing that can be done now! Also on the wedding front, this week I have an appointment to get my dress hemmed, and next week I take my bridal portraits! The Big Day is fast approaching, and I have seriously considered changing my blog name to [Anxiously]Waiting on a Wedding. I just might do it too.
• On the subject of blog's & their names, I have finally settled on the title for my new blog that I will begin after Walker & I are married! I'm excited about it...and can't wait to make the big reveal once we get back from honeymooning & things settle down! If you read this one, I hope you will follow my new one as well!
• Oh yeah...and I almost forgot [not!]:::WE HAVE A NEST! A home! A place to be Mr. & Mrs. Brown! Obviously I have to practice cyber safety, so I can't reveal too many details about our new pad, but I will say...it is perfect for us! In a great location just outside of Asheville, 2 bedrooms + 2 full baths, and lots & lots of land! We are beyond thrilled and can't wait to move in! We have both learned so much about patience & God's provision during these months of searching and waiting for a place to call our home. Thank you to all of our friends & family who have been so overwhelmingly supportive in our search! I speak for both Walker and myself when I say we are truly humbled & so, so grateful. PS: Did I mention we have a spare bedroom?! Perfect for a mountain weekend getaway! Come one come all! :) Now that we have a home...I have been bitten ALL OVER by the decorating bug! Lots of ideas! My 1st project will be making curtains with my sweet grandma! Can't wait to get sewing!

I believe that brings me up to date! This week I will spend the majority of my time unpacking + organizing [although I did take a break last night when Walker came up for the night! Dinner + fro yo with my guy! So thankful for him.] and of course getting some vitamin D by our neighborhood pool. Nobody likes a pasty pale bride! Also this weekend we have a wedding shower/reception at Walker's home church in Winston-Salem. It will be a great time of fellowship, as both of our families will be there! So glad that my Summer is officially in full swing!

Peaks.&.Pits.

I am seriously missing my family tonight y'all. And as I sat down in front of my TV, hanging on Ina Garten's every word as she prepared a rosemary Cornish game hen [Walks I am going to make this for you!], and enjoyed my Japanese takeout [as is my Tuesday night ritual--bless the Hibachi Grill & Buffet on Memorial Dr.], I couldn't help but think--that although I love the soothing sound of Ina's voice, and I love.love.love Japanese green beans, its just not as fun eating alone in my little apartment, as it is with my family.

We had supper together as a family almost every night, and I can't wait to do the same with our family! The benefits gained & the memories made during those seemingly "routine" evenings, I will always cherish. One thing we did a lot during our fam din was talk about the best moments of our day [the peaks] and the worst [the pits].

So, even though its way past supper time and none of my family is around to listen...here are today's peaks & pits:::

Extra sleep.--Pit. Since it came in the form of sleeping through my alarm.

Went to the gym. --Pit. Of despair. And doom.

Found out our hopeful nest was a no go. --Pit. Again of the despair and doom variety. We were so optimistic that this particular apartment would pan out, but a slew of different hang-ups caused us to feel confident that this wasn't the place for us. We have some other options though & will press on with our searching!

Self indulgence. --Peak. To try and ease my discouraged heart, I treated myself to 1.5 hours of magazine reading & Starbucks sipping at Barnes & Noble. Picked up the new issue of [The Nest]--which I suppose was counterproductive to my trying to temporarily forget that we're still without one--and gained lots of advice for married life. *Also swooned over plethora of newborn babies out at B&N with their mommies.--Peak. Obviously. My baby will wear one of those stretchy headbands with the bow attached. Even if its not a girl.

Found adorable wedding programs online! --Peak. Unless of course I am later informed that we can't afford them. [Please, Mom?]

Hired a wedding singer! [Finally]--Peak. And by "hired" I mean asked. And by "wedding singer" I mean Walker's best friend & roommate, Scott Hale! And by "finally," I mean, um, finally. We cannot wait to have you take such a special part in our big day, S! Love ya!

All in all, a decent day! Made progress in several wedding related areas, and saw sweet babies. As for the pits...well, this blog is about both triumphs & trials. So I suppose if I was victorious all the time, I would have nothing to write about! And that would be, well, the pits.

A.Royal.Recap.

Well. No more waiting on the :::Royal::: wedding! It has come and gone, and I saw it all happen! I know some people think all the hype surrounding Will & Kate's nuptials is a bit absurd, and some days I guess I would kind of agree with those people. But as a young woman who is engaged, keeping up with all the news, and now finally seeing the Prince and his new Princess tie their [gorgeous] royal knot, has been a really fun experience for me! Even though all the action happened across the pond, hats & crazy fascinators [ahem, Princess Beatrice] off to all the networks here in the United States for doing an awesome job covering all the footage!

 Now. Not that anyone cares, but for memories sake I decided to recap some of my favorite moments from the historic day! One day I'll look back on this ole blog & it'll be lots of fun to remember!

TOP 10 FAVORITES OF THE ROYAL WEDDING:::
1. The Canary Queen: I smiled so big when I saw her & her adorable Angela Kelly ensemble step out of the car! If she isn't the most adorable matriarch I've ever seen! So proud of her for making a bold[er] fashion choice at age 85. You go girl! PS: I'm trying to convince the queen of our fam [Nana] to wear yellow on 6.25. She would look so cute! Hey, anything but that hot pink jogging suit.
2. Brotherly Love: I felt such a strong, comfortable sense of brotherhood from the two princes all day long! You could instantly spot their special & powerful bond. So sweet. Now I want a red-headed little brother.
3. Harry's Humor: You can tell this guy was keeping the mood light & fun for his big bro. He wasn't going to let um, the most iconic wedding of the century, stifle anyones spirits! Love that. Again, with the wanting a red-headed little brother.
4. Maid of Honor: Holy Pippa! Kate's sister looked just as lovely & timeless as the bride, [FYI: I now affectionately refer to my sister as Pippa at all times] and she did a great job keeping hold of those adorable lil bridesmaids!
5. [Speaking of] The Precious Attendants:

I'll take one of each, please!

6. Kate's Confidence: Of course her dress was gorgeous. Spot on! But let's face it...the woman could have been clad in a Glad trash bag and still oozed regality! She was so poised, and so appropriate in her body language and expression. Her subtle, yet effective confidence definitely put the queen in that Alexander McQueen gem of a gown!

7. Harry's Humor Part2: This was one of my favorite moments. As Kate walked down the aisle, both princes had their backs turned to her. Prince Harry looked over his shoulder to sneak a peek of his sis-in-law, then whispered to William "wait til you see her!" How sweet is that? Again. Gimme a RHLB.

8. Kate's Normality: From the moment she left the Goring Hotel, until she & her new hubby exited the Buckingham balcony...you could see Kate naturally and candidly soaking it all up. Which, I imagine is just like any other bride! I hope on my Big Day I am granted the calmness & poise to truly take those special moments in.

9. A Sweet Prayer: A special one said during the ceremony that William & Kate wrote themselves:::"God our Father, we thank you for our families; for the love that we share and for the joy of our marriage, in the busyness of each day keep our eyes fixed on what is real and important in life and help us to be generous with our time and love and energy. Strengthened by our union help us to serve and comfort those who suffer." Such sweet & true words! Great thoughts to reflect on as a couple. 

10. That Sweet Scared Bridesmaid: Did anyone else spot one of Kate’s tiny attendants covering her ears on the balcony? I hated loud noises as a child so I can definitely identify with her sensitive little ears! All that cheering & screaming! But it provided a precious opportunity to see Kate’s maternal side emerge.

Speaking of…it’s rumored that now that W+K are married…they’ve got 18 months to get pregnant. These royals are real serious about reproduction. Let the countdown to a Royal Heir begin! Just kidding. Kind of. :)

Fresh.Air.

Tonight I blog for two reasons. 1) I have a paper due tomorrow and I don't feel like finishing it. Or starting it, really. And 2) I am craving Peppermints like you would not believe. I'm thinking that if I put my mind on something else, the paper will write itself & I'll kick this craving. Here's hopin'.

Today I cannot shake the feeling that my soul is in need of a good, deep breath of fresh air. All day long I've felt like my heart was full of stale, day-old, used-up love & grace & energy & every other ingredient that I need to live a day to it's fullest. I've been trying to figure out :::why::: I feel so stale inside. I can only come up with one reason. Lately my soul has felt so pressed down & pestered by questions + doubts + lies + false hopes...that I have completely neglected it's need for freshness & resurgence.

These peeves that plague my heart deal with things like:::my future.my job.my body.my friends & family. So many unknowns & can't dos & what ifs, reeling through my mind all day. But tonight God has given me the strength to turn all of those into:::What if the things that Christ can do with a humble & fresh heart, are untold & unknown.

I have realized that for weeks, I've been taking gulps of this stale air & filling my soul up with it, thinking it will be sufficient. Thinking it's enough to keep me spiritually alive. But breathing this used-up air is not what I am called to. And it's not what I'm worth. I am ready to begin again breathing the fresh, clean air that Christ has made available to us all.

But what does that look like? I really can't imagine tonight, as helpless as that sounds. I feel like I'm stuck in this dark dungeon that doesn't have any room for fresh air. But this dungeon of stale air is not my home. It's not where I belong. I know I have a spot in His meadow. Frolicking in fresh grass & breathing fresh air & singing fresh songs of His goodness. I have been there before, and I will get back there again. But just for tonight...I fight in the dungeon.

I feel really self conscious and see-through as I write this tonight. And I can't help but wonder if this even makes sense to anyone? Am I alone? Those questions aren't rhetorical by the way...it would be such an encouragement to know. Are you breathing fresh meadow air tonight? Or are you falsely imprisoned, like me, in a dungeon depriving us of the fresh, sweet, true air that we long for? Wherever you find yourself...please, pray for me and I'll pray for you. And soon we will all be fresh air breathers!

Oh yeah, in case you were wondering...my paper is still undone, & my craving for Peppermints is stronger than ever. Oh bless.

Monday.FUNday.

To start this post...a few pictures from Easter Weekend:::

How cute is my new puppy nephew, Sampson? I could eat.him.up.

Walks & I! Thanks for a sweet weekend dear! :)

3 generations on Easter Sunday

This weekend Walker & I were in Winston, and we got the rare and awesome opportunity to spend time with some Brown family friends, the Goodins & the Troyers [in town all the way from Canada!]. Friday evening the Goodins [Jordan is a groomsman in our wedding] opened up their home to all of us and we spent the afternoon playing with lil Benjamin & Christopher [the Troyer boys] and of course the other baby boy of the house...Sampson! We watched Tangled, which I :::loved::: with every fiber of my being, and the whole time I was surrounded by babies & puppies & my sweet fiance. If you know me at all, you know I was in heaven.heaven.heaven! Oh yeah...and I was wrapped up in a Snuggie. Again. Heaven.

Other top-notch moments from the weekend::: Pre-marital counseling. It's always encouraging to dig deep into our relationship! Each session makes us more and more excited not for our wedding, but our marriage. African Cats. I begged Walker to take me, and he [semi]happily obliged! I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. Walker...not so much. But it was so fun to spend that time together! And the baby cheetah cubs are a-door-a-bull. Easter Sunday. A great service at my home church, and lots of family bonding as we prepared Easter lunch together that afternoon.

Can I register for one of these lil guys?

This week is already proving to be a good one! On account of right now I am watching Dancing With The Stars and 1) Hanson is performing LIVE. I feel like a 4th grader again. And 2) My favorite couple just received a 10 from the judges! I realize that those are silly reasons to attribute to a good week. And I also realize that I am embarrassingly invested in this show. But I don't even care at this point. I have no shame! Another thing I have no shame over is my obsession with the Royal Wedding! Which is this Friday. My love for Will & Kate & all things royal cannot be repressed. I've tried! Is that lame? Don't answer that.

Saturday will bring my 2nd bridal shower, thrown by the sweet ladies at my home church. I am so so so looking forward to that! Lots of family, + friends that are family in every sense, all together for a wonderful time of celebration & fellowship. Needless to say, these days I am definitely living for the weekends! And Mondays. And Fridays. :) This was a bit of a hodgepodge of a post...but thanks for reading! And I hope your week is off to as lovely of a start as mine!

Rolling.Stones.

Happy Easter, everyone! He is risen! So so so thankful & humbled. I hope you are too! Just a few thoughts I want to share as this day of celebration comes to a close...

"On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they
had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus." --Luke 24:1-3

This year, that is my favorite part of the Easter Story.

They found the stone rolled away from the tomb.

I cannot imagine what a sight that must have been! That one action. That one rolling away of the stone, conveys what a monumental victory that Christ has won for us all. And one thing God has graciously taught me this Easter season...is that He is still very much in the business of rolling away stones.

We all have them. Life's heavy boulders that keep us from feeling victorious. Finances. Disease. Broken relationships. They come in all shapes & sizes. But they're still big. And heavy. And impossible to roll away on our own.

God is rolling stones every day in this world. He is healing. And restoring. And showing mercy & love like only He can. It is my earnest prayer that when the stones of this life arise in mine & Walker's marriage...that we will be granted the faith and patience to wait on God to roll them away.

This lesson has come at such an encouraging time, as we struggle with our big "stone" right now, finding a place to live. It has taken so much out of me, emotionally & spiritually, to wait & wait & wait. [Okay...more like worry & worry & worry.] Bless Walker for dealing with my emotional unpredictability. Which I bet you he would say was his stone these days... ;)

But seriously. This weight and heaviness, this worry I can't seem to shake, has really become an issue dealing with my faith. I don't have enough of it. Which makes me feel embarrassed, angry, and for lack of a bigger vocabulary...like a not very good Christian. But When Christ reveals to me things like this, at times like this, I am restored. I am humbled. I "get it" again. It is such a beautiful thing. My heart is blooming like a tulip tonight.

I am so grateful for the timing of God's teaching. His constant knowing of my needs, even those that are quieted & stifled deep inside my soul, amazes me. Today has been a wonderful day of celebration, and has served as a reminder that He is the truest teacher. The risen redeemer. And, oh joy! The roller away of stones.

Tuesday.Tidbits.

Halfway through this 4day week! Some random highlights/thoughts on this pretty pretty Tuesday:::

Remember how my little sister is in California for Spring Break? Remember how she saw Kris, Kylie, & Kendall Jenner out shopping? Well see if you can spot her in this paparazzi pic...




That's her! On the right in her precious lil maxi dress! Can you believe that? She's practically famous, you know?! I want to frame this. So fun!

In the world of wedding news::: Walker & I have decided we're having a joint Bachelor/Bachelorette party...a weekend at the beach! We don't have all the details yet, but we're really looking forward to it! A joint party may seem a bit unconventional, but we think it'll be a blast! Especially at the beach--Golf for the guys. Shopping for the girls. And lots of sun + seafood together!

In the world of [royal] wedding news::: 10 days to go! I feel like such a goober for being so invested in this fairytale affair...but I am for real excited. The wedding coverage starts at 9am...London time. That's like, 4am our time. Will I be awake to watch the complete coverage? UM. Does Kate Middleton have the shiniest hair I have ever seen? YEP.

In the word of nesting news::: Umm we still have no nest. How's that for news? But Walker & I know that we serve a God of provision, and we know He will provide the perfect place. Just like He is currently providing us with patience.patience.& more patience. While it's not tons of fun living with this big piece of our puzzle missing...it is a good feeling to see little lessons in obedience & trust manifest themselves in our situation, almost daily! Another bit of nesting news::: I found this blog post super encouraging for whenever we do find our perfect spot!

2 more days until another jam packed weekend. This one will include marriage counseling. My in-laws adorable new pup, Sampson. :::Hopefully::: a showing of the new movie African Cats that hits theatres on Earth Day. [Hint, hint, Walker!] And of course, Easter! I'm looking forward every single Spring second of it!

4Day.Weekend.

Sigh.

After all that blog construction stuff...I just decided to stick with the blog design I already had. Trying to figure it all out was giving me a headache. I'm sure I was doing something wrong because it certainly can't be that difficult...but for now, I say if it ain't broke dont fix it. But once I'm married my blog will need a new title [any creative ideas?!] so maybe I'll embark on another blog designing journey then.

Just a quick documentation of my awesome 4day weekend...

Thurs:::A bridal shower given by my mothers awesome Bunco Bunch! They seriously outdid themselves. Everything was yellow + grey, AND there was a gorgeous display of yellow cupcakes adorned with...edible.pearls. No, no this is not a joke. They really exist. Or, existed until they were devoured. I fell head over heels in love with those lil guys. So cute. The shower was tons of fun & it meant so much to me. These women have been playing Bunco together for almost 15 years...so they have really watched me grow up, and been there for my family in big ways! Many thanks to all the ladies involved!

Fri:::My little sis left with her bestfriend & her mom for a Spring Break trip to California! I've been getting updates from her all weekend. So far they've indulged in Pinkberry [the orig froyo], visited Venice Beach, Rodeo Drive, AND the Bachelor Mansion. Oh yeah, and they spotted the Jenners on a shopping spree. If you know anything about me or my obsession with the word of Celebrity Gossip...you know that my sister is currently living my dream life. Tomorrow they head to The Ellen Degeneres Show where Tina Fey will be a guest. Again with the living of my dream life. So thrilled for her though!

Friday was also my Nana's official 90th Birthday! She came over & my manly man grilled some steaks for everyone. Nana didn't eat hers though. Shes not so much a fan of eating these days unless you're serving pancakes, chocolate cake, or pre-packaged pecan twirls. Bless her heart.

Sat:::Family officially in town! So great to see all of them. We were all up early making preparations for Nana's big surprise party. You would have thought the Royal Wedding was taking place. The party went so well though! The birthday girl was definitely surprised, and we had a great turn out! So many of our friends & family showed up to help, and we are so thankful for ya'll! It was a great day celebrating the life of our little Nana who we all love so much!

While Saturday was a sweet day, it also showed a sour side with a string of voilent storms that hit Apex & surrounding areas pretty hard. Luckily our home/neighborhood didn't see too much damage, but less than 2 miles down the road was a different story. Pray for quick clean up & healing for those who experienced loss.

[Palm]Sun:::I am in great anticipation for Easter. Had a wonderful service at church, and Nana's birthday celebration continued afterwards with lunch at her fave K&W Cafeteria. The things I do for that woman. Now I'm back in Greenville, gearing up for another week of classes...lots due this week to wrap up the semester! Praying for focus & energy.

I hope everyone had a great weekend, and if you live in the Apex/Raleigh area...I hope you are safe! Here are a few pics! Oh and also, for some reason my spellcheck button isn't working tonight. So if anything is horribly mispelled, and several things probably are, so sorry!



The famous cupcake display! How cute? Also love the yellow dress cookies!



Bunco Gals!

The Birthday Girl! She was so preciously surprised!



My sweet man & I. Still waiting on our wedding! :)



Under.Construction.

In the process of giving the blog a cute makeover. Except it is way more time consuming and difficult that I ever imagined. But I must finish what I've started...so if you drop by and it looks disgusting, don't worry! I'm on it. Sort of. But this is not coming easily to me and I get frustrated and I don't know what I'm doing so I just quit and come back to it hours later. So really, no telling how long it could look like this.

If you have any blog decorating tips:::Please! Help a sister out! Thanks!

Untitled.

I am in no mindset to think of a clever or even relevant title for this post right now. Which, is probably a pretty good sign I should not even be blogging in the first place.

But can I be completely honest right now?

Thank you. Here it goes. I've had an awful day. I mean, really awful. I tried for a while to pretend it wasn't bad. But it was. It's been one of those days where I have felt completely defeated since the moment my feet hit the floor. I've been approximately 7 minutes late to every single place I needed to be today. I've said bad words in my head probably a dozen times. I cried. Twice. And I thought several times about feeding my wedding planning notebook through a paper shredder. I don't even own a paper shredder. But I could have found one if I really wanted to. Because I really don't want to get married today.

Yes. I just said that. I don't want to get married today.

I am overly stressed at this point in my engagement journey, and I want out. Forget napkin colors. And bridesmaid gifts. And reception play lists. Seriously! Today I don't want to do it. Not any of it. Am I being kind of dramatic? I mean, probably. Actually yes. Definitely. But I can't help it! Today has been the biggest trial I have faced during this entire process so far, and as I'm sure you have gathered by now, I am not coping well.

I've thrown every lesson I've learned in the past 6 months right out the window; and it's all because today, my heart played hostess to a random poisonous, negative, apathetic attitude. I have no idea where it even came from. It was just there, spilling it's nasty black awfulness out of my heart when I woke up this morning (an hour late). But I can promise you it is not welcome one bit, and I am kicking it out promptly. So now I'm back at square one. Ready to learn again...what it really means to have an attitude of prayer. What it really means to take pleasure in the little things. What it really means to forgive others. What it really means to not let this wedding consume my life. Because in case you haven't noticed, it totally has.

I feel so small tonight. So helpless, and majorly defeated. I'd like to tie this blog post up in a pretty pink bow and say God has taught me thisthat&theother...but I got nothin'. So, all I can do is hope that those of you who read my blog will keep following, even after this brutally honest, transparent tirade of an entry, and go to bed.

Oh yeah. And rest on this much needed promise from the Father:::Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. --Lamentations 3:22-23

Seriously. New mercies each morning. God is so good to us. Even when our hearts are filled with nasty black crap. I mean stuff. Sorry.

Making.A.Comeback.

Did y'all watch the Masters this year? My Dad is a huge golf guy, and Walker is a big sports fan in general, so while I didn't tune in, I heard a good bit about it. And let me just say, I am NOT a golf lover. I can never keep an eye on the dang ball! Its like, microscopic. I mean, it just disappears into the sky, and people automatically know to either clap or moan? It is such a mystery to me. One I don't plan on wasting any time solving. Anyways, most of what I heard about this year's tournament dealt with Tiger Woods, and his long awaited comeback.

Oh and by the way...did you hear? Tiger is changing his first name to Cheetah? Ha ha ha. Couldn't resist.

I am not a fan of the Tigs. Not one bit. But in our conversations over the past few days, Walker has been saying again and again how badly he wants Tiger to do well, to come back. My initial reaction was, of course, that my fiancé is um...crazy. But then he gave this humbling, home-hitting, honest explanation that left me feeling pretty convicted. Walker explained that he really enjoys seeing people, "normal" or famous, come back from adversity.

Our conversation begged the question, could I say the same about myself? I mean sure I forgive Tiger Woods, but am I really rooting for him to succeed? Sadly, no. Or an ex-boyfriend...do I forgive him for things that went wrong? Sure! But do I also secretly hope the next girl he dates realizes what a dud he really is and kicks him to the curb? Sadly, yes. #sincewebeinghonest.

I began to think about the dark, helpless circle of doom that would be my life...if my friends, my family, and especially God, defined forgiveness the way that I sometimes do. I have learned that the most effective forgiveness is a two step process, and it is an attitude. Christ does not simply forgive me for what I've done wrong. He actively roots for me to rebound by giving me opportunities to succeed. Thankfully, I have surrounded myself with people who are such a beautiful reflection of God, and they do the same thing. Forgiveness from them not only means the past is put behind us, but they take it one step farther and encourage me to keep on the narrow road.

This realization has come at just the perfect time! I am so grateful for Walker, and the way he points me to Christ without even knowing it. Learning what it means to go "one step past forgiveness" will certainly help us in our new marriage. It is such an encouragement as this new week begins to know that Christ is undoubtedly rooting for me to always make my own spiritual comeback. With all that I've learned from one little golf tournament, I may just be tuning in more often!

"Who is a God like You, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; You will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea."  --Micah 7:18-19

Abundant.Life.

"...I come that they may have life, and have it abundantly." --John 10:10

I most definitely experienced abundant life over the past few days, without a doubt! My weekend was chock full of awesome life memories, including our family's first year at the MS Walk, where we formed a team with some good friends from our Fairview Family in support of my Mom, who was diagnosed about 13 years ago. Despite the cold, windy, drizzly weather...we had a blast! It was a great time of fellowship & encouragement with great friends that are so special to us!

This weekend was also my little sisters Senior Prom! I can't believe she is so grown already, but you know what they say....time is fun when you're having flies! [cheesy joke accredited to my cheesy-joke-loving father-in-law. :)] But really. She is grown up & gorgeous & funny & all things lovely. I am so proud of her! We had a great time taking photos of her & her sweet boyfriend, Ethan...and believe it or not, my Nana's retirement community provided a great place for pictures! Lots of fun, for sure!

Speaking of my sweet Nana...she turns 90 next weekend! Seriously. 90 years old. Ten years less than 100. We are having a surprise party for her! I'm not worried about announcing that via my blog because, well, she was born in 1921. She doesn't know what a blog is, or how to read it. But she has no idea and its really cute. Except for the staff at her retirement home advised that we whisper "Surprise!" vs. yelling it, so as not to give her or any of the residents a heart attack. We have several family members coming in from GA that we rarely ever get to see, plus Walker will be in town! We can't wait to celebrate 90 years of her preciousness. Which is sometimes stubbornness, but I mean, that's okay too. My sister and I plan on buying her one of those sparkly Birthday Girl tiaras with pink rhinestones all over it. Fingers crossed we can talk her into wearing it. [I bet she will though, because it would perfectly match her hot pink velour jogging suit that she wears 6 days a week.]

My weekend full of abundant life also came with some abundant life-lessons. God has been at work in my heart this weekend, and I definitely want to share it! I can't seem to put it all into words though, at least not easily. So, I am currently working on that, and will hopefully finish it tomorrow then post! Nothing makes me more excited than to take what is stirring inside my heart, and put it into words that could potentially encourage someone else.

I pray that this week you will experience abundant life & see it & praise the Giver of it! I'll leave you with a few pictures:::

Our family at the MS Walk!



Team MaryLou!



Apex Prom Night

Amanda & Ethan

Dreary.Day.Diary.

On days like today, I always find myself wishing I enjoyed reading, loved cats, and drank tea. Unfortunately I'm a dog person. And my interest in reading dwindles around page 13 of every book I've ever read, and for the first 18 years of my life, I thought Chai was a Japanese greeting...

By "days like today" I mean the chilly.windy.rainy.dreary kind. Today, Greenville swapped flowers in bloom for clouds of gloom. Well...it wasn't nasty all day--but by the time the sun came out, I was already in my dreary day mindset and I decided to just go with it.

Logically, when I am in my dreary day mindset, I think about dreary day type things. In my mind. And the most dreariest thoughts in my head today include, but are not limited to: 1) I am out of toothpaste. This has literally never happened to me in my whole life. 2) I have to go to the gym. 3) I'm not married to Walker yet. 4) That's probably a good thing. Because we would have nowhere to live. As I drove to work, the dreary thoughts kept comin', when one of those precious James Dobson Focus on the Family moments came on the radio. Dr. Dobson's minute long message addressed Matthew chapter 7, the wise & foolish builders.

In that moment, a peace came over me that I have seldom known. I was given the humbling realization that it doesn't matter one bit what kind of house we live in, but that we take the necessary spiritual steps to make our house a home. A place where Christ is not only acknowledged, but loved and glorified. A place of faith, and grace, governed by God's word. As Matthew would say in his gospel, a place that stands firmly on a foundation of rock vs. sand. These simple verses have given me a new perspective. They have turned a burden into a lesson, which is a huge blessing!

But just so you know, even though I'm excited to have learned this valuable lesson, I still want to be in my dreary day mindset. I just do, okay? Because I'm still out of toothpaste. And I still have to go to the gym. BUT, I can guarantee that wherever Walker & I settle down, this verse will be painted on a centrally located wall as a constant reminder:::

"The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock." --Matthew 7:25

5.5.Weeks.Later.

I acknowledge that I have not blogged since February 24th. I also acknowledge that I said I wouldn't let that happen. But I ALSO beg of you to acknowledge that I couldn't help it! Really, I couldn't! Spring Break came in early March, first for me, then for Walker, and since then...life has been a wonderful.stressful.emotional.busy.nervewracking.joyful. whirlwind!

Yes. I did just use half a dozen adjectives to describe my life. I sure did.

It would take me all night & probably thirteen separate blog posts to document all that I've learned/felt/experienced since February 24th. But here are a few highlights:::

• I said "yes" to the perfect wedding shoes! Then I found prettier more perfect cheaper ones so I said "heck yes!" to those. So happy with my final decision...as I've mentioned in previous posts, finding the right shoe was quite a task!
• I ordered our invitations! What a nightmare. I had no idea there were so many ways to say "we're gonna be there!" or "sorry--can't make it." But there are tons! We went with "joyfully accepts" and "regretfully declines." If that sounds ridiculous, please don't tell me. Because I can't change it now.
• Walker & I officially began our search for an apartment! Sensitive subject at the moment. But more on that later down the list...
• Our Big Day countdown is now in the double-digits! Eeek!
• My girlfriends threw me a "Panty Party." It will forever be remembered as one of the most awkward & hilarious nights of my life. Special thanks to my best friend Ashley Miller for heading up all the planning! I got to spend lots of time with her & her sweet/spastic pup, Smiley. So fun!
• I discovered Peppermints, a brand new frozen yogurt shop in Greenville. And my life has not been the same since. If you live in Greenville, you've got to try it! Good & good (er...better) for you! Even if you don't live in Greenville, get on a plane right now. Board a ferry. Ride a bike. Or a Razor scooter. Just find a way to get to Peppermints.
• Walker & I started our premarital counseling! So far, its going really well. There have definitely been some intense conversations, but they have already proven to be so beneficial in our relationship. We're learning so much, and growing even closer to each other!
• I started watching Dancing With the Stars. Which I never thought I would do. I'm team Kanenball (Chelsea Kane & Mark Ballas) and so basically I only watch the show until its their turn. Then I just keep an eye on the scores to make sure the other couples don't beat them. I don't know why I'm including this on the list. Perhaps because it is on right now. Or maybe because my life these days is just that boring.
• I joined a gym. And every muscle in my body feels like burning hot lava. It is not fun. Not fun at all. Its actually in the running for the least fun thing I have ever done in my whole life. (Haha get it, running?) But by going every morning I am learning new lessons in determination & commitment. That part feels good. But the rest is so hard you guys. And I look like such a fool on that elliptical machine. But its all about :::shedding for the wedding::: ya know? More of my awkward gym saga coming soon... 
• Last but not least: I have had a resurgence of faith. Faith in my Creator, in my fiance, and in myself. As I mentioned, Walker & I began searching for a place to live in March, and we haven't exactly experienced success. Its been a huge burden on us both, seeing as a place to live is a huge piece in the puzzle that is our first year of marriage. But this struggle has reminded me that even when things don't fit together just the way I would like them to, Christ has such a bigger.better.crazier plan for my life. For our life. When I try and wrap my brain around that thought, I am given comfort, and peace, and true joy. Through this trial, and this entire wedding planning process in general, God has revealed Himself to me in a glorious, sovereign, unmistakable way. And I am so grateful. I am so humbled.

So there is the latest on my life! The good. The sad (or, pathetic. Lava muscles? Good grief I am so out of shape.) The serious. What about you? What is going on in your life? How has God blessed you? How has He shown Himself to you lately?

"There is a spiritual satisfaction that comes even in the midst of our trials. It is a demeanor that may not be as "showy" as gleeful happiness, but it is much less subject to moods and makes for much more permanent a disposition."

2.Brides.2.Be.

I am so excited to blog right now! If my mind had its own wedding planning tank [which, I'm pretty sure it does], then it would be on full/overflowing today. In the last 4.5 months, I've had days when flowers & cake toppers & guestbooks couldn't be further from my mind. Today however, is not one of those days. Nope. Not one of those days at all. I've pretty much been browsing wedding websites for the last 2 hours straight. Paying no mind to the countless projects & papers I have due before Spring Break starts next week. *Yay!

What conjured up this overflow of enthusiasm, you may ask? Well, it all began this morning during a simple breakfast at Panera Bread :::Iamsoobsessed::: with my dear friend Ali Conerly. Ali & I met our freshman year, and she was one of--if not the very first friend I made in college. We ended up living together our Sophomore year, and to say we were heartbroken when she moved out that summer...was an understatement. We saw each other through lots of ups+downs during a huge period of transition in our lives, and as a result, her friendship has meant much to me.

That being said, you can imagine my excitement when, just a few months after Walker & I got engaged...so did Ali, to her fiance Matt! Ever since their big news over Christmas, Ali & I have been dying to get together and talk about all things bridal. Finally...our busy schedules cleared just enough to allow us a couple of hours together this morning. [You see, we are both busy brides! Well, I am just the normal kind of busy. Ali however, is the super-human-warp-speed-crazy-lady kind of busy.] And our time together was such.a.blessing. I'm tellin' ya!

We talked about everything. From photographers. To honeymoons. To shoes. [FYI the search for yellow heels is s t i l l on. I know, I know. Its ridiculous. All I want is a pair of satin, canary yellow peep toe pumps. Ya know? Is that so much to ask?] It was so refreshing to talk to another bride-to-be who knows + is experiencing the same trials & triumphs that I am. Not that my unengaged friends don't listen to my wedding woes, but I sometimes feel like all my bridal babbling is burdening them. Wow, apparently I am obsessed with alliteration right now. I don't even know why I am doing that. Cheesy.

My time with Ali this morning was just extra good to my bride-to-be soul. It got my creative wheels turning all over again, and my mind has been thinking about all things wedding since then! Today has been a good reminder of the fun & excitement that can come from the literal aspects of planning a wedding. It doesn't all have to be crunching numbers & addressing envelopes. With only 120 days to go, I am thankful today for the listening ear of another bride-to-be! Love ya Ali! September 24th will be here before you know it! 

                                                       :::A+A our sophomore year!:::


                         
                                                            :::dream shoes:::

Whirlwind.Weekend

These last few days have been such a beautiful blur! Friday & Saturday were spent at a Marriage Conference in Raleigh. What a blessing! Walker & I both went in with mixed feelings and a bit of awkwardness...but we couldn't have asked for a better experience! We had the privilege to hear some great truths from God's word, as well as spend some time digging deep into the hearts of our future spouse. We also met Kevin & Kelli, another engaged couple from Charlotte, NC. We were thankful for their fellowship throughout the weekend!

[I should also add that attending this marriage conference would not have been possible without Walker's willingness to sacrifice. He chose to forgo a Choral Festival in Mars Hill so we could attend this conference together. And I am so thankful! Walker:::Your sacrifices humble me. Thank you for always making our relationship a top priority.]

The rest of our Saturday was filled with fellowship, as we had the rare opportunity to spend time with both of our parents, at the same time! We were able to share a meal together at Noodles & Company [So good! Fingers crossed that Asheville gets one by the time I move there!], and make lots of progress on wedding plans. We took Walker's parents to see the church, as well as the reception site--and they loved it! Later, Walker & I got a chance to sit down with his dad and discuss some specifics about our marriage counseling, which will start soon!

By Sunday, we were both back at our separate corners of the state. I enjoyed a beautiful Sunday filled with friends, fellowship, and football! Well, in my case--Fergie. Because I pretty much just watched the half-time show. Oh and Finn. Because obviously I watched the Glee episode that immediately followed. But, I can't lie. It kind of scared me.

Enough alliteration. Bottom line, my weekend was lovely! But gone way too fast. I am looking forward to the week ahead...no tests, AND on Thursday my best friend Ashley Miller comes into town! Ashley is one of those friends that female country artists write about. The kind that is always there when I need a laugh, a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on. I cannot wait to soak up some sweet time with her!

Now...I'd love to keep writing, but to be honest, I'm too distracted by The Bachelor's Michelle's crazy antics to write one word more. She is insane! This show is too much. Yet here I sit. Week after week. I'll be sure to blog again in the next few days while I'm NOT watching bad, yet addicting, reality TV.

Gurlz.Rule.

To quote a kindred spirit of mine, Taylor Swift: I'm in my room. It's a typical Tuesday night.

Really! I am. And really, it is.

This semester, Tuesdays are my one night of the week where I don't have one place to be. I change into my pajamas at 5pm. I do laundry. I watch the entire hour of E! News without moving. And then I watch bad television [read: Hellcats] while folding clothes for the rest of the night. I know, I know. Please. Don't judge me.

But tonight is a bit different. My roommate is hosting her Girls Bible Study group at our apartment, and I can hear them right on the other side of my door! I can't hear every word, but I hear laughter. And encouragement. And awesome Godly discussion. As they share, and ask questions, I am reminded how important it will be once I am married to find a group similar to this.

The only problem is: I don't know how to do that. I checked, and they don't post Bible Studies on Cragislist. And you know what? Even if they did...I'm just not really sure I would attend. A bible study for serial killers? No thanks. Anyways. I need help. When Walks & I get married I'll be on the other end of the state and I won't know anyone and I won't know how to get anywhere and it will be just like starting college all over again except for I will actually like my roommate. [Run-on sentences are all the rage.]

The last 4 years, through my involvement in the Baptist Campus Ministry, I've been spoiled with tons of good, clean, fun female fellowship. And I'm so responsive to that. I thrive in a social environment that allows me to learn, and laugh, and grow with other Christian women. I'm nervous that I'll get to Asheville, and have no social life. Which will make me grumpy. And I'll fight with Walker. And he'll make me sleep on the couch. Or not let me get a puppy.

As you can see. Severe consequences could ensue if I can't find some form of a social outlet. It is my prayer that even now God will begin to match my heart with a group of women in Asheville that I can fellowship with. But: I am not in Asheville YET! And I am going to soak up this last semester in Greenville with the wonderful girls God has put around me. May I see them as the blessings they are each day, and may I learn as much as I can from them before I make the big move.  

Now. If you'll excuse me, I must return to eavesdropping.

An.Attitude.of.Prayer.

Less than 5 months left before Walker & I tie our lil knot. [We're gonna tie it tight, too. Just so ya know. Like a sailors knot or something. For better, for worse!] The time is passing much quicker than I thought it would, which I am thankful for! However, I must admit that the closer we get to our Big Day...the more scared I am beginning to feel.

Don't misunderstand what I'm saying here. What I'm feeling is not the "I'm 5 months away from making a decision that I'm not sure of" kind of scared. Oh no never! But the "I'm 5 months away from marrying the most treasured gift God has ever given me. And this is going to completely flip our little lives upside down"...kind of scared.

I suppose my biggest fear is that I won't be prepared enough. What does spiritual readiness for marriage even look like? A pure heart. A desire to serve. A spirit of humility. An attitude of prayer. These are just a few things that come to mind. And...that's a pretty tall, intimidating order. I feel so far away from those ideas. But the one I have been most recently convicted about is acquiring an attitude of prayer.

My prayer life has gone through obvious ups and downs since I became a believer at age 7. Ive prayed outlandishly selfish, shallow prayers. And I've prayed humble, sincere and authentic prayers that came from the deepest caverns of my soul. I've prayed while crying. I've prayed while laughing. I've gone through seasons of life where I literally couldn't go 60 seconds without crying out to God. And I've gone through seasons where I went weeks without uttering a word to Him. I've known the comforting quietness that comes with praying alone. And thanks be to God, I've known the sweet joy that comes from praying with true friends.

I've figured out that developing an attitude of prayer is more than simply praying. An attitude is one's mind set. Their character and demeanor. Their reaction and routine. An attitude is a persons default setting when any event, big or small, occurs. How awesome would it be to have a true attitude of prayer? For your honest reaction to any and all situations to be: P R A Y E R. To fall into the glorious routine of praying all the time? I want that. So badly. More than I want a pair of yellow corduroy Toms.

Would you saying praying for an attitude of prayer is redundant? Probably. But that is exactly what I'm going to do. I want to bathe the next 5 months, or, 145 days [eeek!] in prayer. I want to pray in the most earnest, authentic way I know how, for Walker, and our marriage, and our ministry together. I want to be a wife who's first reaction: prayer. Who's mindset is: prayer. Who's character is defined by: prayer. I want to acquire an attitude of prayer. I will end with this verse that gives me encouragement, and hope.

***This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of Him. --1 John 5:14-15

A.Beautiful.Break.

The inevitable has arrived. My last night at home.

This has been one of my favorite Christmas Breaks ever. Obviously, I love every Christmas Break for obvious reasons. No class/work. Family. Old friends. Homemade meals on a regular basis. Its warm, homey, familiar bliss for like, a month. Nothing compares, ya know? But this particular break was especially enjoyable. Maybe its because I'm engaged--and therefore happy all the time? I mean these days, I could step barefoot on a rusty nail and claim it was the most magical moment of my life. Everything is wonderful and beautiful. In my head, I live in the Enchanted Forest of Engagement. And I'm the princess of it. And there are these little fairies that work for me, except for they only have one job...to stare at my ring all day and all night.

Um. Anyways.

Whatever the reason--this Christmas Break has been pretty close to perfection. I saw so many of my favorite people. And did so many of my favorite things. I went to so many of my favorite places. I've just completely fallen in love with this break! I've fallen in love with what I've seen. With what I've heard. With what I've learned. With what I've lived.

These days were good for my soul. And I've come to this conclusion: Life, in general, becomes more exiting.fun.livable. when you let yourself fall in love with things. When you let yourself have favorites. I have a favorite everything, and I must say...its the best feeling in the world. When I see my favorite color. Or hear my favorite musician. Or eat at my favorite restaurant. Or hear my favorite hymn. You just get extra excited and your stomach kind of bubbles up. I pity the soul who is too "indecisive" [read: boring] to fall in love with normal things.

To allow yourself the simple luxury of emotionally attaching yourself to commonplace things is...refreshingly joyous.

I suppose this blog entry has served two purposes. 1) It has exposed the reason behind the dreaminess of my Christmas Break. And 2) It has reminded me of the excitement and joy that can be found in the little things. I think any bride-to-be would agree that if only there was more happiness found in the trivial details...the whole process of planning a wedding would be much less stressful + frustrating.

Less than 6 months to go now, you know! And in these months...I plan on falling head over heels in love with the little things.

11.Things.For.2011.

Wow. I haven't blogged since last year! Obviously my perfect plan of a 3 part blog series never did fully turn into a reality. I don't want to push [Part3] completely aside though. Without going into mushy, sentimental detail...I can say this about my hopes for Christmas Future:::It will include Walker, and watching our new marriage turn into a lasting partnership & ministry. It will include the joy of seeing our family grow and grow and grow some more. It will include laughter, and joy, and tradition, and lots of love. Well. I think thats sappy enough for now. [Although I do mean it, every word!] 

Now, as 2011 begins, I want to simply document 11 things that are at the forefront of my mind tonight. Thoughts. Questions. Ideas. Opinions. Just things.

1) This is the year of my wedding!

2) As exciting as that is...I don't want my wedding to define this year. Does that make sense? Its one day. One very important day, mind you. But I've got 364 other days. And if I would be half as excited & intentional about any of those days as I am about June 25th, then THAT would make 2011 a year worth being proud of.

3) My New Years Resolutions are as follows: Drink water more. Go to Target less. Floss every day. Read The Bible. [I found an online plan where you can read 25 days out of the month, and then you get 5 days to be a slacker if you need to. [Thats what I'm talkin' about!]

4) 2011 is a year of questions, for me. I know some things that need to happen in my life this year. But I don't have the slightest clue how those things will come to be. I've decided that instead of constantly searching for answers, I'll just try and know The One who has all the answers more.

5) I ordered my save-the-dates! Our registry is complete! Engagement pictures are in! This Christmas Break marked the switch from talking about doing & planning & ordering & buying...to actually doing all those things. Which is exciting! Not stressful. Not at all. At least thats what I chant inwardly to myself several times a day.

6) Did I mention we registered? I daydream about my china pattern. Seriously. And a yellow, actually...buttercup *swoon* KitchenAid mixer. Which my father thought fit to deem "unnecessary." Well. See if he gets any of my cupcakes.

7) I officially stopped going to the pediatrician and am now going to a "grown up" doctor. I had my very first appointment just this morning! It was frightening and emotionally taxing, to say the least. No one smiles in there and it smells like needles. I plan on never going back. Plus, they didn't have one single copy of Highlights in the waiting room.

8) Another big step: I got an iPod! Nine years after the rest of mankind...

9) "Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.” --Lamentations 3:22-24. I want to start learning/keep learning what it really means to wait on the Lord.

10) A new thought has just formed in my head. Instead of "the year of my wedding"...I think 2011 shall be "the year of waiting." May I find this year, that waiting is a good thing. In waiting comes learning, and joy, and wisdom. May I do more than just wait on my wedding...may I wait on/for/with God.

11) I promised myself I wouldn't blog after midnight. But here I am, awake to see 1am. I think I'll end this entry before I type anything I could regret...but how exciting to post my first blog of the new year! I guess I should add one last simple goal to my list of resolutions:::Blog. More. :)