Untitled.

I am in no mindset to think of a clever or even relevant title for this post right now. Which, is probably a pretty good sign I should not even be blogging in the first place.

But can I be completely honest right now?

Thank you. Here it goes. I've had an awful day. I mean, really awful. I tried for a while to pretend it wasn't bad. But it was. It's been one of those days where I have felt completely defeated since the moment my feet hit the floor. I've been approximately 7 minutes late to every single place I needed to be today. I've said bad words in my head probably a dozen times. I cried. Twice. And I thought several times about feeding my wedding planning notebook through a paper shredder. I don't even own a paper shredder. But I could have found one if I really wanted to. Because I really don't want to get married today.

Yes. I just said that. I don't want to get married today.

I am overly stressed at this point in my engagement journey, and I want out. Forget napkin colors. And bridesmaid gifts. And reception play lists. Seriously! Today I don't want to do it. Not any of it. Am I being kind of dramatic? I mean, probably. Actually yes. Definitely. But I can't help it! Today has been the biggest trial I have faced during this entire process so far, and as I'm sure you have gathered by now, I am not coping well.

I've thrown every lesson I've learned in the past 6 months right out the window; and it's all because today, my heart played hostess to a random poisonous, negative, apathetic attitude. I have no idea where it even came from. It was just there, spilling it's nasty black awfulness out of my heart when I woke up this morning (an hour late). But I can promise you it is not welcome one bit, and I am kicking it out promptly. So now I'm back at square one. Ready to learn again...what it really means to have an attitude of prayer. What it really means to take pleasure in the little things. What it really means to forgive others. What it really means to not let this wedding consume my life. Because in case you haven't noticed, it totally has.

I feel so small tonight. So helpless, and majorly defeated. I'd like to tie this blog post up in a pretty pink bow and say God has taught me thisthat&theother...but I got nothin'. So, all I can do is hope that those of you who read my blog will keep following, even after this brutally honest, transparent tirade of an entry, and go to bed.

Oh yeah. And rest on this much needed promise from the Father:::Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. --Lamentations 3:22-23

Seriously. New mercies each morning. God is so good to us. Even when our hearts are filled with nasty black crap. I mean stuff. Sorry.