The.Truth.About.Zumba.

"It's so easy!"

"You just dance around!"

"Nobody watches you!"

"It doesn't matter what you look like!"

"Anybody can do it!"

All of the above are statements about Zumba. Statements that, until Wednesday night, I had believed to be true. But I am here to tell you, excuse me, to warn you, that these are all myths. Legends. Tall tales. Spoken from the mouths of ridiculously in shape & gorgeous soccer moms. Kind of depressing, right? But don't worry! I am here to tell you the truth about Zumba. The good. The bad. And the profusely sweaty.

TRUTH #1: The instructors are not real people. I mean, unless Rapunzel Barbie in life size form counts as a real person? Because that's pretty much what you're dealing with when you look at my Zumba instructor. She weighs about 100 lbs. soaking wet. And she has long blonde hair that I bet was styled by Ken Paves. She doesn't put it up either, her gorgeous hair. She just lets it all whip back & forth. For an hour. And somehow it gets no tangles in it. [Are you beginning to see how she can not be real...?] In addition to her tangle free hair, one can't help but notice her sweat free brow. Not a drop y'all! I on the other hand, sweat enough to fill up a kiddie pool. Yikes. I don't know what they are. Or where they come from. But I am almost completely certain that Zumba instructors are not real life humans.

I keep capitalizing Zumba...is that right? It's a proper noun, right? I'll keep doing it.

Moving on.

TRUTH #2: The songs are not real songs. This one is hard to believe. Because when the track starts...the song is going to sound normal. You're going to hear the first few measures of Cee Lo Green's Forget You, and you're going to feel a very warm and fuzzy feeling of familiarness. Then you're going to be slapped in the sweat-drenched face by a r-r-r-remix. But not just any remix. A Zumba [or zumba. Whatever.] remix. A few characteristics to look for in a Zumba remix::: 1) Hyper-speed beats that are impossible to keep up with. 2) The word "Zumba" hollered randomly throughout the whole thing. 3) Zumba remix songs last approximately 12 minutes longer than the average tune. So if you've heard the same chorus more than 4 times in a row, it's probably a ZR.

TRUTH #3: Grown men take Zumba classes. And you have no idea how ridiculous they look. I'm just going to be honest right now, and maybe the fact that I'm doing this over the web & not to some one's face has made me more fearless. But if you are a grown man, and you are in our Zumba class, there is a very, very good chance that my friend Alyssa and I will talk about you afterwards. Not all bad things! Because some of y'all got moves! And if you are with your wife, its a little bit sweet. But still. You look kind of silly. Men just aren't natural Zumbers. Neither are folks over the age of 65. Which brings me to my next point.

TRUTH #4: Grandmas take Zumba classes. Now. Half of me wants to give these women a huge high five. Because I can only hope that when I'm their age, I am that passionate about staying healthy. But another part of me wants to sit them down in the nearest rocking chair before they fracture a hip. The aforementioned hyper-speed of a Zumba remix waits for no one. And a gal's limbs can get seriously tangled up in all those step-together-touches! But I will say that the grannys provide lots of entertainment since they usually show up in sweet white-haired flocks. I should warn you though. They don't really know what sports bras are.

TRUTH #5: Zumba is fun. What? Who is typing this? It's me. Same girl. But I mean it! Zumba really is fun! After you sort through your inner jealousy issues with Rapunzel Barbie [I secretly pray that she'll one day get a tangle. Or a zit. Anything mildly unfortunate, but temporary.], and learn not to care what people [including men & grandmothers] around you are thinking...Zumba.is.fun. It's a great workout, and it goes by a billion times faster than time on a treadmill or elliptical machine!

So there you have it. The cold hard Zumba truth. As you can see, its early in the game for me and I have a love/hate relationship with all of this. But who knows! Maybe I'll keep it up, and one day I'll be a Gramba! A Zumba-ing grandma, that is. :)