Can't sleep.
But that was to be expected.
It's nearly 2am. So I give you fair warning that this post may & probably will contain a few grammatical errors. And it could very possibly not make one bit of cents.
Okay. I did that one on purpose. Not that tired.
Or am eye?
Wow. Sorry. Back to my deepest darkest feelings about getting married in 2.5 days.
Things are c r a z y round here. I am doing something related to my wedding every minute of the day. Really I am. And it took a while, but I've spurred myself into this cycle of productivity...where I finish one thing, and it makes me really want to finish something else, which makes me really, really want to finish something else...you get the idea. It works and its all lovely. Except for every 3 hours or so, my stress levels spike and I decide we should elope.
Then I drink a Diet Coke and get back to work.
I did take a break from wedding work though tonight, to have one last phone date with Walker! I'm sure it won't be the very last one we will ever have...but for now, we can officially say we are .d.o.n.e. with long-distance love! No more travel size shampoo bottles. No more living out of suitcases every other weekend. No more making mix CD's to listen to on the 5.5 hour drive. And no more phone dates! Its kind of bittersweet...because our whole relationship began with one sweet phone date. But speak for the both of us when I say that our hearts are way more responsive to some face-to-face chatting. It will be such a joy to spend time together at the end of our days--in the flesh!
Tonight Walker and I were discussing that even though things are so hectic right now, we both feel such a peace about things. The kind we can't fully put into words. The kind that passes all understanding. The kind that doesn't make sense apart from its Giver. Experiencing God's perfect peace during the midst of this chaos and craziness is a big big blessing, because it has been my prayer that I would see only Christ & His goodness during the final days of this journey. And one thing I've learned, is that His Peace comes in His presence. God is here inside this stressful week with me, and He is so active. To feel him working through the gift of perfect peace is just what I need to keep me pressing on.
During these days when I am trying to recognize everything, I welcome this peace that is unrecognizable and out of place. A peace that is passing my understanding.
Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. --Philippians 4:7 [The Message]
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Devil's.in.the.Details.
Less than 1 week.
I am feeling excited & anxious & stressed & relaxed & happy & nervous all at the same time.
What is wrong with me?
I would try to figure that out, but I don't have time. Too busy with all these last minute details! Thats my big issue as I head into my final week as Allison Duke. The details. All those [little things] that I once vowed to fall head-over-heels in love with, all those [personal touches] that I just had to include....are now the things taking up most all my time & energy.
As my Grandma says, "the Devil's in the details!" And she is right! I can feel my heart growing stressed and sometimes discouraged with all these little things I must finish, even in the midst of such an exciting and eventful time! So my prayer as this week begins is that I would be granted a peace of mind that only Christ can give. Not only that, but an attitude of humility & grace as I work closely with so many wonderful people to make my big day go as planned.
I pray for patience, and strength, and energy. But perhaps above all these things, I pray that I may see only Christ through all of this. I pray that the Devil who has been hanging out in all my details, would vanish. And in his place, may I see the provision and the great love of Christ.
Thank you to all who are praying/have been praying along with me. I feel encouraged, and energized to take on the week! Most of Walker's family has already come into town from Missouri! And my family should start arriving around Tuesday. I am looking forward to all the last minute excitement, and I can't wait to see my friends & family who have come from near & far. Bring on the next 6 days! Even the details! I can't wait!
I am feeling excited & anxious & stressed & relaxed & happy & nervous all at the same time.
What is wrong with me?
I would try to figure that out, but I don't have time. Too busy with all these last minute details! Thats my big issue as I head into my final week as Allison Duke. The details. All those [little things] that I once vowed to fall head-over-heels in love with, all those [personal touches] that I just had to include....are now the things taking up most all my time & energy.
As my Grandma says, "the Devil's in the details!" And she is right! I can feel my heart growing stressed and sometimes discouraged with all these little things I must finish, even in the midst of such an exciting and eventful time! So my prayer as this week begins is that I would be granted a peace of mind that only Christ can give. Not only that, but an attitude of humility & grace as I work closely with so many wonderful people to make my big day go as planned.
I pray for patience, and strength, and energy. But perhaps above all these things, I pray that I may see only Christ through all of this. I pray that the Devil who has been hanging out in all my details, would vanish. And in his place, may I see the provision and the great love of Christ.
Thank you to all who are praying/have been praying along with me. I feel encouraged, and energized to take on the week! Most of Walker's family has already come into town from Missouri! And my family should start arriving around Tuesday. I am looking forward to all the last minute excitement, and I can't wait to see my friends & family who have come from near & far. Bring on the next 6 days! Even the details! I can't wait!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Enough.
How I have looked forward to this night! Time to relax & let my heart breathe a little. My mind and my heart have been pretty cluttered places lately, and I am welcoming with open arms the chance to just sit in the quiet and sort a few things out.
Of all the thoughts flying through my head these days, there are a few I can't seem to shake.
I wonder if I will love Walker enough?
Which becomes...will he love me enough?
And, the way we feel right now--will it always be this way?
No. But then again, yes? I have come to realize that I simply can't love Walker enough. And he can't love me enough. And we probably won't always feel this way. This way...is the way of dating to "I do" in 2 years. This way is already rampant with me making mistakes. And him making mistakes. And us making mistakes. This way is filled with stumbles & falls.
However.
This way is also filled with apologies and forgiveness and humility. It pours out grace and mercy. We cannot love each other enough. There will always be a way we can love more. A way we can serve more. But God, who has given us the blessing of this relationship, and fashioned both of our hearts, He loves us exactly enough.
Throughout the Bible, God uses His relationship with the church as a model for marriage. And what a mighty, perfect love He shows us. What kind of compassion and selflessness and humility and strength does this love require? How can Walker & I ever even come close to the way our Savior loves us?
Thankfully, I am reminded that embracing this model does not mean that we will get it right. Embracing this model means we will do so by faith & in prayer. That our God will be quick to reach down and help us as we stumble through the days of our new life together.
Embracing this model means that we will rely on grace & humility & forgiveness. Again. And again. And again.
How can I reflect the love of Jesus to my husband? And how can we as a couple reflect His love to our community and our world? I don't really know yet. But I know that God knows. And only by seeking His will for our marriage and our lives, can we ever hope to love enough.
To be enough.
Of all the thoughts flying through my head these days, there are a few I can't seem to shake.
I wonder if I will love Walker enough?
Which becomes...will he love me enough?
And, the way we feel right now--will it always be this way?
No. But then again, yes? I have come to realize that I simply can't love Walker enough. And he can't love me enough. And we probably won't always feel this way. This way...is the way of dating to "I do" in 2 years. This way is already rampant with me making mistakes. And him making mistakes. And us making mistakes. This way is filled with stumbles & falls.
However.
This way is also filled with apologies and forgiveness and humility. It pours out grace and mercy. We cannot love each other enough. There will always be a way we can love more. A way we can serve more. But God, who has given us the blessing of this relationship, and fashioned both of our hearts, He loves us exactly enough.
Throughout the Bible, God uses His relationship with the church as a model for marriage. And what a mighty, perfect love He shows us. What kind of compassion and selflessness and humility and strength does this love require? How can Walker & I ever even come close to the way our Savior loves us?
Thankfully, I am reminded that embracing this model does not mean that we will get it right. Embracing this model means we will do so by faith & in prayer. That our God will be quick to reach down and help us as we stumble through the days of our new life together.
Embracing this model means that we will rely on grace & humility & forgiveness. Again. And again. And again.
How can I reflect the love of Jesus to my husband? And how can we as a couple reflect His love to our community and our world? I don't really know yet. But I know that God knows. And only by seeking His will for our marriage and our lives, can we ever hope to love enough.
To be enough.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Seventeen.Days.
Two weeks since my last post. Yikes...sorry! Here's whats up with just 17 days to go before our wedding!:::
Things are incredibly busy around here, and I would love to tell you that I'm coping wonderfully with all the last minute details, but sadly I am a bit of a mess. Its kind of an hour to hour thing. One minute I have myself together, the next I have to check and make sure my head is still attatched to my neck.
Lets start with a few not-so-fun updates first. 1) We have some serious program problems. I'll spare the details, but just know that its really frustrating and its possible that on June 25th, if you're a guest at our wedding, you may just get a program written down on a napkin. [Just kidding! But seriously.] 2) I got super sunburned today by accident. Like, Red Lobster sunburned. And now I'm scared that I'm going to be peeling on my wedding day. TMI? Possibly. Moving on. 3) I miss Walker. This is probably the hardest part of all of this. Quality Time is Love Language #1 for both of us. And March was the last time we had some real quality time together. Time to just be alone and watch King of Queens and make dinner. Time to talk about life outside of this wedding. Time to be in the quiet company of eachother and give our relationship the prayer, attention, and TLC it needs. And that has been super hard on both of us. I can't tell you how much we look foward to our wedding day, but almost more so, how much we look forward to just being around eachother again.
Now for some exciting updates: 1) We have moved all our stuff into the new place! And we absolutely adore it! We will move in right after the honeymoon and cannot wait! I'll get some pictures up eventually too. :) 2) I had my bridal portraits done and I absolutely adore those too! I won't give too much away but I can tell you that my session involved grass stains [had to get my dress cleaned to the tune of $130....yuck!], lots of YELLOW, and a few spiders. I am very happy with the results and it was so fun to hang out in my wedding dress for longer than 10 minutes! 3) My Bachelorette Party is this weekend! Looking forward to seeing all my girlfriends & relaxing in the sun!
While this has become a season of stress in my life, I am feeling beyond grateful for the support of my family & friends, and I feel myself continuing to grow even in these last few weeks of my engagement journey. I will hopefully have time to blog more tomorrow about some things I've been learning & reflecting on. But for now...back to trying to solve our obnoxious program problem!
Things are incredibly busy around here, and I would love to tell you that I'm coping wonderfully with all the last minute details, but sadly I am a bit of a mess. Its kind of an hour to hour thing. One minute I have myself together, the next I have to check and make sure my head is still attatched to my neck.
Lets start with a few not-so-fun updates first. 1) We have some serious program problems. I'll spare the details, but just know that its really frustrating and its possible that on June 25th, if you're a guest at our wedding, you may just get a program written down on a napkin. [Just kidding! But seriously.] 2) I got super sunburned today by accident. Like, Red Lobster sunburned. And now I'm scared that I'm going to be peeling on my wedding day. TMI? Possibly. Moving on. 3) I miss Walker. This is probably the hardest part of all of this. Quality Time is Love Language #1 for both of us. And March was the last time we had some real quality time together. Time to just be alone and watch King of Queens and make dinner. Time to talk about life outside of this wedding. Time to be in the quiet company of eachother and give our relationship the prayer, attention, and TLC it needs. And that has been super hard on both of us. I can't tell you how much we look foward to our wedding day, but almost more so, how much we look forward to just being around eachother again.
Now for some exciting updates: 1) We have moved all our stuff into the new place! And we absolutely adore it! We will move in right after the honeymoon and cannot wait! I'll get some pictures up eventually too. :) 2) I had my bridal portraits done and I absolutely adore those too! I won't give too much away but I can tell you that my session involved grass stains [had to get my dress cleaned to the tune of $130....yuck!], lots of YELLOW, and a few spiders. I am very happy with the results and it was so fun to hang out in my wedding dress for longer than 10 minutes! 3) My Bachelorette Party is this weekend! Looking forward to seeing all my girlfriends & relaxing in the sun!
While this has become a season of stress in my life, I am feeling beyond grateful for the support of my family & friends, and I feel myself continuing to grow even in these last few weeks of my engagement journey. I will hopefully have time to blog more tomorrow about some things I've been learning & reflecting on. But for now...back to trying to solve our obnoxious program problem!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)